WARNING! POSSIBLY (PROBABLY) OFFENSIVE!

I have a new quest in life. I plan to cash in my Roth and 401k and purchase a mirror for every "touron" who enters the Myrtle Beach city limits. I am buying them all mirrors because I know there is no way they own one or they wouldn't leave the house looking like a homeless circus performer. GET A CLUE FOLKS! In the interest of good taste I have taken the liberty of listing a few subtle suggestions:

1. If your weight is higher than a decent bowling score then a tube top is probably not a good choice.

2. If your boobs are capable of flying up and swatting you (or the person standing next to you) in the face, wear a bra! Please!

3. I KNOW you had a really smokin' body in the 90's but honey it's now 2007 and you have had four kids. Lose the short shorts and wear a shirt that will cover your c-section scar along with your stretch marks.

4. The mullet is gone! Dead! Go see a barber who was born in this century and get a decent haircut. While you are out and about replace that Nascar wife beater t-shirt with one that doesn't show your back hair.

5. Since when did it become chic to show your pregnant belly? If you know me then you know for a fact that I'm not a prude but I have to tell you it makes me very uncomfortable seeing a basketball size tummy with the belly button sticking out like the "done button" on a Butterball turkey.

Whew, I feel much better now.