Friday, December 17, 2010

You're kidding...right??

I love the symphony. There is something magical about a live performance of any kind but the symphony is special. Well, it used to be special. It was special until I chaperoned a group of seven year old boys...six of them to be exact for an afternoon at the symphony. It was the first really cold day, snowing hard and of course the wind was only slightly below gale force. After loading the boys (why do I always get the boys??) in the trusty Suburban I knew we were in trouble when I glanced in my rear view mirror and all six of them had removed their coats, hats, gloves and were in the process of trading boots. Why? I don't know why....they are boys, they are seven and seven year old boys do things like strip on the way to the symphony. I put my hand to my forehead and muttered my first swear word of the day, the first of many swear words. Of course all the parking spots close to the performance center are taken and we are forced to park in a questionable area between two taverns. Lovely. It takes a few minutes to sort out hats, gloves, coats and boots but after lots of snorts and giggles (the boys) and sweating & tugging (me) everyone has on a hat, coat, boots and at least one glove. I'm sorry you don't have a glove for each hand. Stick your other hand in your pocket and shut up. We walk and walk and when I think the wind could not possibly blow any harder it does a 180 and whips down my neck. Me and my "little gang" finally reach the performance center where they discover (with great delight) the high ceilings of the entry foyer have an awesome echo and the louder you yell the louder the echo. As I looked around the lobby it appeared I was the only chaperone with boys. It seemed to me every other chaperone was there with little girls who were dressed in their finest and patiently waiting to be seated. My group was the one in the middle of the foyer running in circles, yelling whoooo whoooo (remember the echo?) and trying to put boogers in each others hair. We were finally all seated and the conductor made his appearance. It should be against the law for a conductor to wear a hair piece so bad that even seven year old boys snicker. I gave them "the look" and everyone sat back in their seats to enjoy the performance. That lasted halfway through the first piece. One of my gang discovered that if he put his hand in his armpit he could make farting noises in time with the music so of course within 30 seconds I had six boys giggling hysterically and making farting noises in their armpits. I gave up. I was toast. Done. I gathered up my little gang, put hats, coats and gloves back on and worked our way out of the auditorium. There was applause as we were leaving and I really really want to think it was for the symphony.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm never going to the optomitrist again.

What the heck?? I entered my optometrists office a middle aged person and came out 45 minutes later ELDERLY?! I knew my eyes had changed this year so I was not surprised when Dr. J kindly pointed out that it is time for bifocals. FINE...I have heard the horror stories from newly bifocaled friends about raising their foot 3 feet trying to get up on a curb that suddenly appears much higher than it used to be or completely missing a step that they have navigated without incident for the last 10 years. I also knew there have been improvements made with bifocals over the past few years with no lines and being more user friendly. Can't say I was exactly thrilled to hear that I need bifocals but I wasn't completely surprised and figured I should count my blessings as I didn't need any type of glasses until I was 40. Basically I told myself to suck it up Buttercup you are getting older and you need bifocals, big whoop. Well, just as I am picking up my purse and trying to decide if I want cherry amaretto ice cream or pumpkin spice ice cream (as my reward for being good...DUH) Dr J says, "We won't worry about surgery until your exam next year unless you notice a change in your vision." Excuse me? Surgery? ME? I'm having surgery? Apparently the look on my face made it very clear I had nooo idea what she was talking about. Well folks, I have cataracts. Everything on my body is falling into my shoes, turning black or doesn't work anymore so why would I expect my eyes to be any different?? Geesh...I'm going back to the dentist next week and cannot wait to hear what good news he has to share. They don't make false teeth out of wood they??

Monday, July 19, 2010

Today..I met the bug man.

July is always busy at work with tourists and family reunions so it wasn't unusual to have four banquets scheduled for this past weekend. You are probably asking yourself what the heck that has to do with me and the bug man but it actually plays a very important part in our memorable meeting. Working long hours and being charming for hours on end wears me out and I don't bounce back like I did ten years ago. So after working all weekend let's just say I was a little slower than normal on getting out the door for work this morning. I had just gotten out of the shower, towel wrapped around my head and was wearing one of my lovely t-shirts I like to wear to bed. Apparently I was still in the shower when the bug man rang the doorbell so you can imagine his surprise (AND MINE) when I came charging out of the bathroom and almost knocked the poor man down. His doctor tells me that with proper medication and lots of rest he should be able to resume a normal life in less than a year.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Everybody knows I love love love Amazon. It is the most amazing place in the whole entire world! Don't want to carry those 10 gallon jugs of Tide from the car to the house...NO PROBLEM! Order it on Amazon and UPS will bring it to your front door and if you are real nice the UPS man will even start a load of laundry before he leaves. OK, that last thing about the UPS man is a big lie and truth be told I am willing to bet my UPS man is plotting a way to take my computer away from me so I am back to doing my own shopping at the Piggly Wiggly like the rest of the world. One afternoon last week at work (sorry Peter, yes I sometimes shop when I'm at work but I also take work calls at home so let's not go all nutso here) I had ordered a book for my Kindle and forgot to log out of my Amazon account. Not good. My friend, John, was tipped off by my other friend, Tom, that not only had I not logged off my computer but my Amazon account was still on my screen. YES...I know, DUMB DUMB DUMB. Well...when I came back to work the next morning my computer was all shut down properly and according to the paperwork on my desk...I had done some serious shopping! My friends, John and Tom, placed a small order of things they thought I could use. Did you know you can order a pontoon boat on Amazon? Well, neither did I until I checked the order confirmation. You can also order an anchor, trolling motor, fish finder, drill press and condoms by the case. case you are interested I have more uses for the anchor than I do that last item. Paybacks are hell boys.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Ultimate Compliment

I love fragrances but they have to be light especially during the warm weather which is approximately 51 weeks a year here in SC. Gucci Pour Homme II is my current "go to" fragrance and please don't tell anybody but I'm 99% sure it is a mans cologne. I care. I also like Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue and Marc Jacobs Cucumber....all nice and airy, not heavy and I know they are women's fragrances because they are in fru fru bottles. Today I received the ULTIMATE compliment from a 4 yr old boy. I was wearing Sugar Lemon by Fresh and quite frankly I thought I smelled pretty darn good. It's hotter than the hinges on the door to hell so I especially like the nice cool lemon smell in this humid weather. A little boy and his mother were waiting in line for an exhibit at work and as I walked by the mother said, " smell so good, may I ask you what fragrance you are wearing?" I told her Sugar Lemon by Fresh and her little boy said, "I want to smell too!" I am thinking what an adorable child and quickly leaned over for him to sniff my neck. After a deep inhale he said, "OH gots to get some of dis fume. Dis lady smells just like Fruit Loops." Thanks a lot kid.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Adding Insult to Injury

It appears my oldest daughters ranch in MT has become the ultimate destination for unwed kitties. The Mama's are local girls but both Daddy's must be smooth talking traveling salesmen who hit the road once the deed is done. In less than sixty days two Mama kitties have appeared and presented the family with a total of 11 (ELEVEN!) illigitimate babies. Of course the four children think having all these kittens is better than Christmas but Polly & Tony....ummm, not so much. Tragedy struck this past weekend and both Mama kitties disappeared. We don't know if their traveling salesmen boyfriends are back in town or they woke up one morning and decided motherhood just wasn't their bag OR worse case scenario, they were eaten by something bigger. I prefer to think they are just trampy and are out on the town with their traveling salesmen boyfriends. The older batch of six are mature enough to feed themselves (this is starting to sound like a Lifetime movie) but the younger five still need their Mama. This morning it was obvious the five little ones were in trouble and a trip to the vet was on the agenda. After a few sips of formula, water and electrolytes (plus a check for $113.65) the babies were almost as good as new and ready to head home. Polly also found out that she will be feeding the little darlings formula three times a day with an eyedropper followed by canned (GAG) kitty food mixed with formula. OH...after all five kittens have eaten they each have to have their bottom wiped to help prevent constipation. SO, how was your day?

Monday, February 1, 2010's official.

It's hard to tell from this picture but my head really does look like a Bloomin' Onion. I have thick hair that curls very easily so even though my hair is short every hairdresser I have ever visited feels compelled to give me mall hair. Remember mall hair? Mall hair resembles that yeast bread Lucy and Ethel made on I LOVE LUCY circa 1955. I can see the people in the adjoining chairs eyeballing me as my hair continues to grow as if it had a life of its own. They are probably thinking, "Oh dear God, please don't tell me my hairdresser is doing that to me too." Oh well, it is what it is...I would love to stay and visit but I am off to the shower so I can shrink my head back to normal size.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Whaaat? You got a D in dodgeball???

OK, one of the granddaughters received (and according to her Mom, earned) a D in dodgeball. Of course I will never ever tell you which granddaughter committed this heinous crime (it wasn't the youngest one) in a million years. In aforementioned granddaughters defense she did earn A's in English, Science, Math, History and Spanish. Even though I found this whole D in dodgeball thang pretty darn funny you have to know I have been forbidden to laugh or even snicker (and it wasn't the one who takes riding lessons) when I am in her presence. Want to hear something else funny? Granddaughters mother is a coach. No, her mother is not the one who gave her the D but her mother is the one who would like to pinch granddaughters little head right off her shoulders. I don't want to say granddaughters life is going to be a little tough (it wasn't the oldest one either) over this next quarter but rumor has it there will be mandatory dodgeball practice every evening. OH...I forgot to mention that Coach Mom decided they will be using bowling balls for practice, just as an extra incentive to move our feet on the court.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

We should have seen it coming.

Poor Cameron, almost seven years ago the entire family was looking forward to his arrival, well almost everybody. Avery (insert spooky music here) his 2 yr old sister was blissfully happy being an only child and really did not see the need for a baby brother. When Cameron made his appearance Avery did the obligatory kiss the new baby on the cheek photos but you could tell her heart just wasn't in this whole share the spotlight thang. Our suspicions were confirmed a few weeks later when Cameron was laying on the floor next to Eddie while she was folding clothes. Eddie looked up just in time to see Avery heading towards Cameron with an uplifted wooden spoon. Now we don't know for sure she was going to pummel her new baby brother with the spoon. In fact she may have been on her way to the kitchen to stir up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Then there was the time Eddie was emptying the dishwasher and when she turned around to check on Cameron he had a dirty face, like he had been eating an Oreo. However, there wasn't an Oreo in the house and after investigating a little further Eddie found a spoon next to a potted plant, a pile of soil and a suspiciously dirty older sister. Yes, his big sister had fed him dirt from the potted plants. As they became older Cameron learned to hold his own and Avery learned having a brother is not all bad. Now they are actually friends...sometimes. This brings us to Cameron's latest injury. Avery had a pair of very heavy binoculars around her neck and as Cameron stood up, she leaned over and bonked Cameron right square in the forehead resulting in lots of tears (Avery and Cameron) a pool of blood (Cameron) and a trip to the ER. Cameron, we are sorry, we should have seen it coming.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

When my time comes...

just take me down to the pier or put me in a leaky canoe pointed towards Cuba. I swear every old crotchety person in NC and SC has crossed my path this past week and some of them I had the pleasure of dealing with twice. I'm pretty sure I'm not a miserable person to be around now and I feel certain that if I start leaning that way Polly and Eddie will smack me. Hard. Probably more than once. This is the height of family reunion planning and site visits so my days have been back to back appointments which is great except I am running out of ways to show excitement when fried chicken is mentioned. I would like to meet the genius who made it mandatory to serve fried chicken at every southern family function. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE fried chicken but during the summer months we host so many family reunions that there isn't a live chicken within 50 miles of Myrtle Beach and honey that's a buttload of chicken. I met with two couples in their 80's this week who were planning their families 100th reunion and they were absolutely delightful. Two sisters married two brothers and they had lived within one mile of each other their entire lives. I seriously doubt if they had more than two nickels to rub together but I have never met four more pleasant or content people. That's who I want to be when I'm their age and yes, they chose fried chicken but for some reason I didn't mind one little bit.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The ever elusive blue footed booby bird.

I am very fortunate to have a group of friends who love to travel as much as I do and every January we go someplace tropical together. Sometimes we go on a cruise or rent a house but this year we decided to try an all inclusive resort in Jamaica. It was 15 degrees when we flew out of Charlotte, NC but when we landed in Montego Bay it was over 80 wonderful degrees. We were all wearing jackets and sweatshirts so by the time we got to baggage claim clothes were coming off and we were beginning to look like we were headed to a nudist convention. Gotta tell ya, it wasn't pretty. This was our first time to stay at Riu's and while we plan to go back I have a sneaking suspicion they have our pictures posted in the lobby with big red X's across our faces. I always thought I just didn't care for alcohol but it turns out I'm just cheap. When alcohol is included in the price I can flat out knock them back with the best of them and I ALMOST kept up with TommyB. I would like to take this time to apologize to all the Montegobayites as I do believe I depleted the entire island of Jamaican Rum Creame. Chris, Doug, TommyB and I were lounging by the pool (sipping cocktails..duh) and enjoying the sun when TommyB sat up and yelled, "LOOK...there is a blue footed booby bird!" Chris and I opened one eye and said, "Yeah right." TommyB is famous for making things up and we weren't falling for this one. He insisted he had seen a blue footed booby bird and we continued to ignore him. Finally Chris and I decided to call his bluff and I sent an email to our friend (and IT specialist) Karl to please google blue footed booby bird and send us a picture of this mythical creature fully expecting to prove TommyB wrong. Well, the picture is above and yes TommyB, you are right.... there really is a blue footed booby bird. Wow, it hardly hurt at all to say TommyB was right but it did taste like a mouth full of vinegar.