Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Old age is middle school with walkers.

The last of the holiday teas was at 1pm today and I feel certain I can speak for everyone in the catering department when I say THANK YOU JESUS! I think 13 yr old girls were put on this earth to torture their parents with their eye rolling, smart remarks and funky wardrobe choices but I have met that 13 yr old girls match and she is riding a bus with her Medicare Card carrying gang. There is always one little old dried up man traveling with at least 40 widowed women and for that three day bus trip he is living the life of Hugh Hefner. His every need is anticipated by his harem as they elbow each other out of the way for the seat of honor...right next to Hef. To you and I, Hef bears a striking resemblance to an apple head doll I had when I was six years old but maybe dentures and humps are an aphrodisiac when combined with diesel fumes. Oh well, I am fast approaching that age so I guess I will get back with ya on that one.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Oh man, another haircut.

Well, actually all I needed was a trim. Not even a trim just thinned. You will be happy to know that I do not look like a lesbian golfer but on the other hand I'm not sure I wanted my head to look like a button mushroom either. This is not rocket science folks and I promise you I'm not difficult when it comes to haircuts but there is something about my head, hair texture or the diminishing ozone layer that screams to anyone with a pair of scissors in their hand that this woman NEEDS TO BE AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE.

Monday, December 29, 2008

NO MORE EGGNOG or why I hate to see the holidays end.

I have given my Keurig coffee maker a real workout this fall and winter but my favorite has to be eggnog lattes. I warm the eggnog in the microwave while the Keurig is working its magic with the little k-cup and ta da! I have an eggnog latte in less than 2 minutes. Of course if eggnog happened to be available year round my rear end would require it's own zip code.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Miss Avery And The Two Wise Men...FORE!

When Avery was 4 she and her friend Lilly were helping Eddie decorate for Christmas. Eddie was putting out the candles, centerpieces and all the little special things that make a house a home during the holidays. Avery and Lilly helped until they found the manger scene and this is what we learned:

Avery: Look Lilly...there is Baby Jesus.
Lilly: Who is that next to Jesus?
Avery: Oh, that's Jesus's Daddy. His name is Joseph.
Lilly: I bet that is Jesus's Mama, Mary.
Avery: Yes, that is Mary.
Lilly: Who are those guys over in the corner?
Avery: I don't know who the two short ones are but the tall brown one is Tiger Woods.

And all this time we thought Tiger Woods was just a golfer.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dare I say the word??? R-E-C-E-S-S-I-O-N

For most of my life I have been merrily skipping down the candy cane lined path in Jannyland where the sun always shines, blue birds fly overhead and money magically appears in my checking account. Not so much anymore as I am afraid the R word has invaded the peaceful happy valley of Jannyland...and it's tickin' me off. After watching my 401k and stock account rapidly dwindle from happy days are here again to oh my God if I retire I will have to live in a Westinghouse box under the overpass I finally decided to become more proactive. So far this month I have canceled the daily paper, had the house phone removed and dropped the premium cable channels.Those three little changes amount to well over $100 a month and have been relatively painless since I read the paper online, work pays for my cell phone and basic cable is included in the monthly HOA fees. I have done the easy ones so now it's time to start looking at the more painful changes that need to be made and I need your help. Tell me what you are doing and if you say nothing don't be surprised if some old fat woman shows up on your doorstep and pinches your head right off our shoulders.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Company Christmas Party...or how to end your career in less than three hours.

It's always fun to spend an evening with a group of folks who plan meetings and parties for a living as it never takes very long for the horror stories to start rolling. First of all you need to know that only one of these stories happened where I work and I'm not going to tell you which one because....well, because I have no desire to move.

The president of the company was trying to be cost conscious and eliminated the hors d' oeuvres during cocktails. Not necessarily a bad thing since they only had 30 minutes of open bar before they were having a lovely four course dinner. However, it became a problem when one of their VP's was held up at the airport and they decided to extend cocktails until the VP arrived. About halfway through the second hour of cocktails with no food the very drunk wife of the company president threw up in the punch bowl.

You would think it's usually the young inexperienced folks who find themselves in trouble at company parties but that is sooo not true. This company arranged for valet parking, a coat check room, a piano bar during cocktails and a six piece band with two vocalists for dancing after dinner. The age 60+ wife of one of the board of directors decided she didn't like what the band was playing and instead of requesting a different selection she took a swing at the sax player, split his lip and started a minor brawl ending with her screaming and swearing at her husband and the band walking out three hours early.

This group had a very formal evening planned with a harpist playing in the background and an amazing menu with several different wines for each course. About halfway through the marathon dinner one of the wives became very intoxicated, passed out face first into her plate and somehow managed to set her hairpiece on fire with the candle in the centerpiece.

My friends these stories are my Christmas gift to you. No matter what you do at your company party there is an excellent chance it won't be as embarassing as throwing up in the punch bowl, starting a brawl or my personal favorite...setting yourself on fire.

Thursday, December 11, 2008's me, the big whiner.

This post is going to make a few of you want to reach out in cyperspace and pinch my head right off my shoulders and I completely understand. I used to live in the land of blowing snow, cold feet and no sign of spring for months so I understand your frustration. Really, I do but hear me out. When we moved South over 10 years ago I was all excited to be away from frozen pipes and high heat bills but it only took a year to two for me to figure out that all I had done was trade high heat bills for HIGHER air conditioning bills and blisters when you touch a black steering wheel in July. I have never claimed to be bright and give me some credit because like I said...I did eventually figure it out. So here it is, the middle of December and I had to turn the AC on this evening. The temperature was only in the mid 70's but good gracious almighty the humidity had to be at least 1,000%. Poor Morty was on his belly, splayed out on the tile floor and BEGGING me to turn on the air. His eyes were saying, "Good Lord ya see this fur coat I'm wearin' here??? TURN ON THE AC!" Don't get me wrong as I know if I were still living in the frozen North I would be complaining about that too and I guess the old saying really is true. It does get mighty warm in these parts but at least you don't have to shovel heat.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Battered and bent but not (yet) broken.

Morty loves the Christmas tree on the screened porch and I think he probably marks the days off his little kitty calendar until it's time to put up the tree each year. There aren't any ornaments (just lights) and Morty uses that tree as his super secret spy spot to keep a better eye on the squirrels and egrets. As I drove in last night I noticed the lit tree was laying on it's side over in a corner instead of standing centered on the porch as it was when I left for work. Hmmm. I unlocked the front door and saw Morty sitting on his favorite couch cushion trying desperately to look nonchalant. If a cat could whistle he would have been whistling and maybe filing his nails. Apparently the Mortman has put on a few extra pounds this year and when ole Thunder Thighs flew up the tree and perched on his favorite top branch it was more than the little spindly tree could take and it topped over. The base of the tree is now weighted, the bent branches are somewhat straightened and if you see Morty please don't mention this as he is very sensitive about his recent expansion. I feel your pain Mort and you are welcome to shop with me in the jumbo petite department.

Monday, December 8, 2008

All I did was get out the stepladder.

I live in a condo which is not large and I don't do nearly the holiday decorating that I used to do when we were in the home where the children grew up but I'm no slouch either. I usually have a tree inside and one on the screened porch, a Christmas village on the buffet, mistletoe, stockings and lots of candles.The only outside lights I put up are on the screened porch and since it was almost 70 today I decided today was the day to get that done. So here is a brief synopsis of why it took me over 5 hrs to hang three strands of lights and plugin one pre-lit 6 ft pop up tree. After I drug the 6 ft ladder from the storage closet to the screened porch I noticed the porch needed to be cleaned and the windows washed so what the heck, it's a nice day and I will have time to get that out of the way. Now porch is all nice and clean, the windows almost sparkle but the ceiling fan is just plain nasty. So I climbed back off the ladder and got the Windex and paper towels out to clean the fan. The porch fan is clean, I have the Windex and paper towels in hand and I bet the other 4 ceiling fans are dirty too. So I drag my ladder, Windex and paper towel to the bedrooms and cleaned fans...much better. Well, guess what...the crown molding could use a little attention too so I drag the ladder back to the porch, get out the long handled duster and tackle the crown molding. Molding looks much better but good grief woman when was the last time you washed the fingerprints off the doors and switch plates?? FINE...but I need more paper towels. Did you know cat hair sticks to plantation blinds? Well, apparently it does so I drug the ladder back to the bedrooms and removed cat hair and dust from the blinds. Blinds are now all clean but the bedroom windows need attention.....bad. OK, porch is scrubbed, ALL the windows are now washed inside and out. Ceiling fans, doors, switch plates and crown molding are all clean. However, it is now almost dark and it was 5 hrs ago when I took the ladder out of the storage closet to put up three strings of Christmas lights and one dumb tree. Ho Ho Ho