Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Eccentric or just plain nuts?

We love Aunt June but to be perfectly honest she has been a bit different her entire life. Until I was an adult I would have sworn her full name was "Poor Aunt June" because that is all I ever heard her called. She is my fathers sister and the last sibling of three boys and three girls. The other sisters and brothers were all reasonably normal with the exception of a TEENY BIT of alcoholism and a questionable marriage or two. Aunt June didn't marry until she was in her 50's and her husband passed away in the early 90's so the only family she has left are nieces and nephews. For the past 10 years or so she has complained about the neighbors stealing the foundation of her house one brick at a time and she also was convinced that an entire family was living in her attic.
LOU:"Aunt June what makes you think there is someone living in the attic?"
AUNT JUNE:"Because I can smell bacon frying."
LOU:"Umm, ok..Aunt June what did you have for breakfast?"
AUNT JUNE:"Same thing I always have toast and bacon."
Bang, bang, bang...the sound of Lou banging her head on the wall.
It was also about this time that we found out Aunt June had a gun.....she shot holes in the ceiling of the dining room and right through the roof. It's not like she is nuts all the time, sometimes she is perfectly lucid but the nuts part has slowly become the norm. About the time she shot down the chandelier my cousins and I decided it was time for her to move to a nearby senior citizen apartment complex....we also took the gun. Three of the six nieces and nephews (Karl, Lisa and Chris we can hear you laughing) moved Aunt June from her home of 30+ years to a duplex and then six months later we did the move all over again when an apartment opened in the senior citizen complex. Lou and I decided that Aunt June had read (probably in the National Enquirer) that empty Cool Whip containers are the currency of the future. Every cabinet we opened rained Cool Whip containers upon our heads. She lives on the 5th floor and insists there is a peeping tom. My feelings are if she is on the 5th floor and there is a peeping tom then he should be pretty darn easy to spot. Aunt June is upset with me and won't call me or accept my calls but she still has her bank statement sent to my house because homeless people come into her apartment at night to sleep on her couch, ransack her papers and steal her food. Sooo, when I opened her bank statement today there were the usual checks written to Publishers Clearning House, Readers Digest Sweepsteaks, The Good Word Sweepstakes and here is the new one...The Amazing Kreskin. This woman is sending over $100 a month to The Amazing Kreskin. Lord, Lord, Lord....brace yourself kids, this is my gene pool.


sammyosammy said...

Oh Janny, I feel so much closer to you now that you admit to your relatives. You can relate to having a nutty friend too !

Eddie Carter said...

I think you should write a can't make this stuff up and it's better than 90% of what is out there!