Cell Phones

Cell phones and I have a real love/hate relationship. I went through a period several years ago when I lost six phones in less than a year. Yep, six. I normally don't buy the insurance that is always offered but a little voice must have said, "BUY THE INSURANCE, YA BIG DUMMY" and am I glad I did! The first phone I lost was in my possession less than a month when it went AWOL. I am almost positive it went out with the Sunday paper. Sooo, I called the nice lady at the phone insurance office and she got a new phone overnighted to me. Great! Over the next three months I lost five more phones and let me share some info...the nice lady at the phone insurance office is not nearly as nice the sixth time you call her as she was the first time you called. I did find three of them when I moved the furniture in my bedroom and even called the "not so nice lady at the phone insurance office" and offered to mail them to her. She had another suggestion but it didn't involve the postal system. One thing I didn't understand is why everytime they replaced my phone they sent a smaller one. Hellloooo? If you are replacing an item someone keeps losing...would you send them a smaller one? TommyB said if it was up to him my next phone would be attached to a hunk of 2 by 4 and hung around my neck by a log chain.

Sometimes I'm such an idiot.

Lib and I live next door to each other and have been friends for over 30 years. She called me at work yesterday to tell me her husband Bill had bought a remote control to turn the outside Christmas lights on and off and she thought I might want one too. At first I said, naaaa and then remembered the night before when around 1 AM, I was out on the screened porch, bent over, tail to the wind trying to get the darn lights unplugged. Hmmm...yep, think I need one too. So I made a stop at Wal-Mart and came home with my very own remote control. All the batteries were included, easy to install and since I enjoy the lights when I'm reading in bed it is the perfect solution. So I'm laying there reading my book and feeling all smug because when I get sleepy I don't have to go outside and turn off the lights. It was about then that my lights went off. Hmmm, OK....click...lights back on! Thirty seconds later the lights go off again. Dang it, click...lights back on and I slammed the remote back on the table. I read almost a whole page and guess what, lights went out AGAIN. I thought oh the heck with it, I'm tired and going to sleep. I woke up about 3 AM and on my way back from the bathroom I had a thought. Hmmm, I grabbed my remote, pointed it at the screened porch and guess what?? Our remote controls are on the same frequency so Bill and I spent about 5 minutes turning each others lights on and off. Geesh, what a life.

Does anybody mind if we celebrate Christmas in January this year?

This time of year I am usually feeling all smug and superior when I hear my co-workers and family talk about how much they have left to do to get ready for Christmas because by the Saturday after Thanksgiving I am DONE. House decorated, gifts wrapped, baking packaged and in the freezer. This year not only am I not done, I haven't even started! Haven't bought the first gift, haven't made noodles, haven't made fudge, haven't baked cookies, no rum cakes....haven't even bought wrapping paper. Soooo, guess it's time to haul out the ole ATM card and hit Amazon.com this evening. The holiday parties start this Friday night and go through the 21st of December....still trying to get that last Saturday night booked. Most people want their party earlier in the month but I haven't given up...yet. Come on people! Gather up 40 of your best friends, we'll book the best band in town, open up the bar and your party will be the talk of the town for years. OR...we could just X out that date in the reservation book, put on our fuzzy socks, pop some popcorn and watch Miracle on 34th Street. Hmmmmmm

Good news? Bad news? OH MY GOD news?

Well, I think this is good news. I'm not sure yet but I will let you know in about two weeks. There has been a holiday party on the books for the past three or four months with 300-500 guests. Nice size party but certainly not the largest we have done. Band is reserved, DJ is booked, karaoke is ready to go...yes, they do karaoke. Jack Daniels has not manufactured enough alcohol for me to do karaoke. So back to my story. The party chairperson called to confirm our meeting time to finalize the details and we are chatting about the weather, Thanksgiving, shopping and then he said, "OH...I guess I should mention that our count has gone to over 800 and may top out at 1,000." Gulp....wow, how wonderful! As you can imagine one of the biggest challenges during the holidays is finding enough help. We use a temp agency when we have to but it has been our experience that you spend most of the night hunting down your help, scooping them out of dark corners and putting them back to work. Sooooo...hung up the phone and dialed TommyB. That went well...he said something about did I think he could pull wait people out of his...hmmm, now what did he say? I was thinking to myself I really wish that was possible because at this late date that's about the only way we will have enough help but I was wise enough not to share my thoughts. After that warm and fuzzy exchange I called the Chef who took the news much better than TommyB. OK folks, let's see a show of hands out there...how many of you have black pants, black shoes, white tux shirt and tie? Great! Please call TommyB ASAP.

Gravity 1 - Morty 0

When I came home from work this evening Mr. Morty was among the missing. I went from room to room calling his name and even checked the furnace closet where I have been known to shut him up for a few hours. HEY...I didn't do it on purpose! He has also been closed in the linen closet, every floor level kitchen cabinet, the drawers under the bed AND the refrigerator. I call and call and no Morty. I stepped out on the screened porch and notice the Christmas tree is moving. Hmmm....so I say his name again and this little gray face pops out near the top of the tree. Before I can get over to grab him he fell almost 6 feet to an uncarpeted floor and actually knocked his wind out. I scooped him up and loved on him but he caught his breath and was back at the top of the tree in less than 5 minutes. Idiot.

Shopping!

Despite my best efforts the dreaded "S" word became a reality. I needed a couple of things from the grocery, cash from the bank to pay the painters and batteries. For the doorbell...ha ha, fooled you! Sooooo...I could make two stops and get what I need or bite the bullet and go to Wal-Mart with every other idiot in three states but only make one stop. I decided Wal-Mart was the best choice and carefully planned my route before I left home. OK, I get to Hwy 17 and traffic is not bad, not bad at all. How about that! Parking at Wal-Mart was a piece of cake so I grabbed a cart and headed toward the store. OH MY GOSH...no line at the bank! I stashed the cash in my secret pocket, took a deep breath and headed toward the swarming mass of humanity who were fighting to the death for a 52 inch, high def, flat screen TV WITH stereo. After wading through the Barbies, climbing over a stack of plush characters from The Wiggles (oh yeah, those are gonna sell) and stopping to offer a Valium to a poor lady who just figured out she probably wasn't going to find a Wii system this year I had my batteries in hand and headed for the dreaded checkout line. For the very first time since, well EVER, I walked right up to an available checker! Wow, who knew!? All these years I thought being the first in line at a Wal-Mart checkout lane was a urban myth.

Ho! Ho Hum...

The outside lights are up, the wreath is hung and my "instant pop-up tree" for the screened porch is popped and lit. Ta da! So far Morty has climbed to the top of the tree twice and fallen off of a 6 ft step ladder. Quite frankly, I am afraid he will be spending New Years Eve in a full body cast if he doesn't get get a grip on his holiday excitement. OH...and I also caught him chewing on the tree light wires but a little Tabasco sauce cured that, I hope. Let's just say Morty is not a hot sauce kinda guy.

Taxidermy Phobia

When I was a little girl I always sat between my Mom and Grandma during our church service. This was before "children's church" which means everyone went to Sunday school and then adults as well as children attended the church service together. Misbehaving was never an option as every Mother in that church could give "a look of death" that was capable of curing the worst case of the fidgets. I don't know if it was like this in everybody's church but in ours we sat in the same pew every Sunday, you would have thought we had assigned seating. We always sat behind the town veterinarian's wife who wore a hat with a red bird on the brim and a fox stole. Remember those? The fox's mouth is a clip that fastens to the tail and it is draped over your shoulders. I was scared to death of that thing. It had sharp little teeth, pointy ears, claws on his feet and shiny eyes that I swear blinked when adults weren't watching. That fur piece scared me so bad it even appeared in my nightmares. Well, one Sunday I am sitting between my Mom and Grandma and during a hymn one of the glass eyes fell out and bounced across the floor. Good grief...scared the living tar out of me and was proof that thing really was alive. So, if you are planning on buying me a Christmas gift...please don't get it from the taxidermist.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Why, why, why do we do it to ourselves every year? Turkey, ham, dressing, sweet potatoes AND mashed potatoes which I totally understand because you HAVE to have some type of food that dents to hold the gravy so you can dip your turkey...DUH. Then we move to the corn, peas, deviled eggs, olives, stuffed celery, yeast rolls and best of all...pumpkin pie, chocolate cake, peanut butter fudge AND apple pie. Sooooo...tomorrow means ham and scalloped potatoes and for the next month we will have turkey sandwiches, turkey Manhattans, turkey tetrazzini, turkey casserole (nobody know what the heck is in that culinary masterpiece), turkey and eggs...OK, I made that last one up but there will be a plethora of turkey for the next few weeks. I'm always a little leery when someone invites me over for dinner right after Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong, I love turkey but after the third or fourth time that bird is run around the table, the thrill is gone. So this suggestion is for all my friends. If you plan to invite me over for dinner do us both a favor and just TELL me if we are having leftover turkey. If you are, I will probably still accept (hey, even turkey is a nice break from my all popcorn all the time dinner routine) but I think it's only fair to give me a heads up. Hmmm, should that be wattle up?

What a slacker.

I had every intention of going to work this morning but the longer I laid there the fewer reasons I could come up with to get my hiney in gear and get motivated. Sooo...pffffffbtt, I'm staying home. Apparently that decision was just fine with Morty as he is sleeping very soundly on my shoulder. Before you go all postal about me staying home whenever it suits me just think about all the nights, Saturdays, Sundays and holidays I have to work. I don't know about you but that made me feel a lot less guilty. So to continue the JAN IS A BIG OLE SLACKER FEST...I think Morty and I will check to see if there is anything REALLY trashy on Lifetime, have a Diet Cherry Coke and maybe an English muffin with lots of butter and blackberry jelly.

People! Buy a calendar!

It amazes me how many calls we are still getting from companies who haven't reserved a location for their holiday party...for 2007. Uhhh...like next month. The person who has been assigned the task (usually the newest and youngest female employee) will have a slightly panicky sound in her voice as it is beginning to sink in that it is not going to be as easy as she first thought and it's a very real possibility she will have to tell their boss the 2007 company Christmas party will be in January 2008. The good news is there should be a ton of bands and DJ's to choose from!

Another one of THOSE days.

I hit the floor running at work this morning and got a ton of things off my desk..yea! I decided to leave about 3 and head over to the rental and finish putting the sealer on the walls that need to be papered so after changing clothes I cut across the parking lot ready to git er' done. The painters were there working (yea!) and another brother had shown up to help so they had given him my paint roller. OH MY GOSH..I really do have Larry, Darryl and Darryl! They offered to give the roller back...nooooo, you keep painting and I will work on something else. The 4 ft by 5 ft mirror in the hall bath needed to come down, and NO, I don't paper around things, so I took the clips off and got halfway down the ladder before I realized I didn't have enough room to get the mirror turned without help. Help! They came to the rescue and put the mirror in a safe place. OK, now the light fixture needs to come down off the wall. One, two, three corners loosened. Dang...it is stuck tight on the last corner. OK...turn it this way, give it a twist and hmmm, still stuck. No problem, get the screwdriver, pop the corner and it will come right off. Well..ha ha, guess what? HELP! The only saving grace is the guys had as much trouble as I did taking down the light fixture and that did make me feel a little better except they did actually get it off the wall. However, now there is a patch (darned corner) that needs to dry before I can put on the sealer. FINE...I will sand the bathroom cabinet door edges in the other bathroom and get them ready to paint. Well, guess not...brother number three is painting that bathroom. No problem, all the light fixtures need to be washed so I'll fill the kitchen sick with hot soapy water and get that out of the way. Great idea except the water is turned off at that sink so I can replace the faucets. Oh well, this is as good a time as any to replace the faucets and I will be in business. It was right about then that I remember the sink wrench is back at my place. Oh the heck with it...I'm going home and see if Oprah's day is going better than mine. What do you want to bet Larry, Darryl and Darryl did the happy dance when I announced that I was leaving?

100 Things About Me

It has been brought to my attention that once you reach 100 posts you are supposed to list 100 things about yourself. As usual I am just a tad bit behind (ONLY 55 posts!) but those of you who know me can't be too surprised. Good grief, my kids are hardly speaking to me now and I'm supposed to tell MORE??? What the heck, here goes...like grandma always said, in for a penny in for a pound. Whatever that means. 1. My first pet was a parakeet named Sweetie Pie. 2. My second pet was a white kitty named Snowball who ate my first pet. 3. Favorite homemade meal is beef & noodles. 4. I sucked my thumb until I was in 2nd grade. 5. In 1958 Bev Parrot told me there was no Santa Claus. 6. I didn't believe her then and I don't believe her now. 7. Barb Lidster and I cannot ride a tandom bicycle, but we certainly entertained the neighbors trying. 8. My cousin Chris says I was a biter but I remember it the other way around. 9. Verlin Lindley was my first boyfriend. We were in first grade and I loved his blond hair. 10. My mother made me wear an undershirt until I was in 6th grade. 11. I love Hostess Snowballs. 12. Bev Parrot, Anny Millikin and I used to eat Miracle Whip sandwiches. 13. When my children were small I dressed them in matching plaid polyester outfits AND took their picture, many times. 14. When I was 13 and Anny was 14 we wrecked her brothers motorcycle and she still has a burn scar on her leg. 15. Polly broke her finger when she was 3 but mother of the year didn't take her to the doctor for three days. I swear it didn't look that bad! 16. Our post office box number in Kingman was 193. Grandma and Poppy's was 102 and I remember the combination for both of them. 17. When Eddie was 5 we went to the airport to pick up her Daddy who was coming home from a business trip to Japan. While we were waiting at the gate in the international terminal she started to run a fever and then I noticed she was breaking out in chicken pox. I have always wondered how many countries we infected that evening. 18. The first TV show I remember watching is Ding Dong School starring Miss Frances and sponsored by Bactene..guaranteed not to sting. Miss Francis lies. 19. I met Jim Nabors in an elevator in Dallas, TX. 20. Rainy days are my favorite. 21. I have no idea what color my hair is since I've been bleaching it for over 30 yrs. 22. Math was my least favorite subject in school. 23. I still love ABBA. 24. I know how to cut up a whole chicken. 25. I don't like for my food to touch. 26. The inside of my car is rarely clean. 27. I'm very trusting but do me wrong and we are finished. 28. Clowns scare me. 29. I cannot sew, knit or crochet. 30. Pepsi used to be my favorite but now it's Diet Cherry Coke. 31. During the 70's I was in several national TV commercials advertising Hammond organs. 33. Never lived in a house with air conditioning until 1973. 34. Popcorn is dinner at least 3 times a week. 35. I thought Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomon until I was 30. 36. Never saw the ocean until I was 24. 37. Lima beans are my least favorite vegetable. 38. I can walk on stilts and roller skate backwards, but not at the same time. 39. Basketball is my favorite sport. 40. I learned how to drive a stick shift when I was 16 in a 1964 GTO convertible. Loved that car and loved the boy who owned that car. 41. Never broke a bone until I was 51. 42. My favorite number is 5. 43. I believe in ghosts. 44. Breakfast for supper is one of my favorites. 45. When I was 6 I wet my pants sledding down Eubank hill because I was so scared. 46. I chipped my front tooth on the handlebar of my bike going down that same hill 6 years later. 47. When Ina Heath butchered chickens Jamie Allen and I used to chase each other with the chicken feet. 48. Bev Parrot, Rita Alward, Anny Millikin and I painted Rita's family's chicken house purple. Rita's mother was not happy. 49. Billie Jean Childers and I used to tease the bull across the road from her house until the bull jumped the fence one day and chased us home. 50. I never wore glasses until I was 40. 51. Bread crusts are yuky and need to be removed. 52. Euchre is my favorite card game. 53. One of the things I miss the most are family dinners. 54. Easter and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays. 55. I'm not afraid of spiders but snakes freak me out. 56. Home is my favorite place on earth. 57. I think skunk spray smells like lemon. 58. I would rather be beat with a stick than have a garage sale. 59. Before I die I want to live on a houseboat or a Manhattan loft..preferably both. 60. We used to have a Harlequin Great Dane named Hamlet who was taller than the children. 61. I love sports cars especially MGB's. 62. I LOVE handbags. 63. My closet is very organized 99% of the time. 64. My motto is "If it ain't fun I ain't doin it". 65. I love the smell of the woods in the fall. 66. If I close my eyes I can still smell my Grandma's kitchen and hear my Poppy's voice. 67. I am very shy. 68. I hate moving but have relocated 17 times. 69. Love to pop my gum. 70. Chris Beattie is one of the brightest people I have ever met and one of my bestest friends. 71. My spices are alphabetical. 72. I have no use for televangelists. 73. If I'm not driving or riding in the front seat, I get car sick. 74. Have been really drunk one time in my life and that was more than enough. 75. When I use a fast food drive through I pay for the person behind me. 76. I don't like furniture lined up around the wall like a funeral home. 77. Nothing smells as good as a newborn babies head. 78. I Love Lucy, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Carol Burnett Show and Andy Griffith are still my favorites. 79. I want to smack people who do not respect our flag or stand for the national anthem. 80. I make great peanut butter fudge. 81. I have the best job and work with some of the greatest people in Myrtle Beach. Debi Shofner and I have more fun at work than most people do on vacation. 82. I could spend a $1,000 everytime I walk into Bed, Bath and Beyond. 83. I hate my van and want to trade cars but I hate car payments more than I hate my van. 84. Rude people drive me nuts and I just want to pinch their heads right off their shoulders. 85. Lavender Vanilla is my favorite fragrance. 86. Left lane drivers who poke along and block traffic should be machine gunned to oblivion. 87. Big t-shirts make the best nightgowns. 88. Playing Euchre online with Anny is something I look forward to everyday. 89. I love fried catfish. 90. Fall is my favorite season and the Parke County Bridge Festival is a must. 91. Least favorite household chore is taking out the trash. 92. The ads are correct...Dyson is the best vacuum ever made and worth every penny. 93. Online banking is one of the greatest inventions ever. 94. Bacon and coffee are two of the best smells.Just wish coffee tasted as good as it smells. 95. I love to read my book with a kitty purring on my shoulder. 96. Every room needs at least one candle. 97. I kill any live plant I come into contact with. 98. I love the smell of Vicks. 99. I believe as long as you laugh you will never be old and my friend Rosemary is the proof of that theory. 100. My daughters and grandchildren are the light of my life and my greatest wish is they remember me with as much love as I have for my mother and grandparents.

Teas and More Teas

Tis the season! We had two Holiday Teas today and nothing scheduled tonight or tomorrow. YEAH! We can use the break plus it's time to do some laundry at the ole hacienda. I stopped by Pet Smart and stocked up on more truffles, filet and lobster for Ginglebelle and Morty. I swear their food costs more than mine. When I die I want to come back as some old widow ladies pet. From what I have seen.... it's not a bad life!

Interesting Lunch

Janie won several free lunches at a new local restaurant and generously offered to share them with book club and of course the book club members said, "Free lunch...heck yeah!" Debi and I picked Rosemary up and headed to meet the rest of the group at the new restaurant which happens to be located on Main Street. Myrtle Beach is not a large town and Main Street is MAYBE 10 blocks long. However, the urban planners had to be drunk when they laid out the city streets because Main Street is N shaped with several intersections, stop lights and one very interesting sign that says Main Street but if you turn there you are in a parking lot. I know this for a fact because we did that twice. That kind of stuff is funny when we are messing with the tourists but when it starts interfering with lunch, now that is a different story. After much back tracking, shouting, pointing, nausea (sorry Debi) and by pure chance...we found the restaurant. In our defense the sign on the front of the restaurant was the size of a smallish dinner plate. Just a suggestion, but ya might want to invest in a slightly larger sign. The restaurant was very clean and the waiter immediately brought us the menu. They specialize in wraps and the selections were chicken, roast beef, pork and seafood. Everything is prepared fresh and the cooking smells were wonderful. Here is the kicker...the "foundation" for each wrap is mashed potatoes. Yep, that's right...mashed potatoes. Soooo...I had roasted chicken breast, ranch dressing, lettuce, tomato and shredded cheese all mixed in mashed potatoes and served in a freshly made wrap. It was good but it sort of reminded me of a sandwich you might put together when you are 20 and wake up at 4 AM but don't feel like driving to Taco Bell in your jammies. Guess a repeat visit is really not an option for Rosemary, Debi or I as the chances of us ever finding it again are pretty darn slim!

Yep, I'm a slacker.

I was home by 6 this evening and as I was changing into my wallpaper, paint and welcome to my personal hell clothes I had a thought. Naaaaa, tonight I am sitting in my recliner. After fixing dinner (popcorn) I spent the evening paying a few bills and visiting with Lib. It felt good to take a break but tommorw will be back to the grind as I really want to finish. Book club is tomorrow and I haven't read the book ...think I can fake it? Me neither but I'm still going for lunch.

Morty and the coat hanger.

I don't own any wire hangers but did anybody besides me just have a vision of Joan Crawford screaming, "NO wire hangers!!!"? I am not a Hollywood diva but I do prefer the plastic hangers mainly because clothes stay on the plastic ones much better than the wire. For some reason I have been waking up every morning at 3 AM. One second I am sound asleep and the next second my eyelids fly up like two dollar window shades. You probably don't think those first three sentences are related but you would be wrong. So, I am sound asleep minding my own business and when 3 AM rolls around I am wide awake. Since I am OLD, I get up and go to the bathroom. There are four key words in that last sentence. Old, Get, Up and Bathroom. If you are already old then no explanation is required and if you aren't old, one day you will be and again...no explanation will be required. So, I'm sitting there contemplating the back of the bathroom door and wishing it was either 11 PM so I could sleep six more hours or 6 AM so the paper would be here and I would have something to do before I get ready for work. Apparently I have also disturbed Morty and I hear him jump from the bed (well duh, of course he sleeps on the bed) to the floor. Then everything becomes a blur. Somehow...and I am still not sure how, Morty got a plastic coat hanger stuck around his tummy. How in the world do you go from sound asleep to stuck in a hanger in under five seconds? He is not a big kitty and if he had moved a fraction of an inch the right way the hanger would have fallen off but that is just not the way things work at this house. I can hear Morty frantically clacking around the bedroom trying to lose the hanger and just as I turn on the light Morty smacks right into the dresser and of course the hanger falls off. Ginglebelle looks at him like he is a total idiot and an embarrassment to all felines. So...what kind of hangers do you prefer?

Larry, Darryl and Darryl

Remember the three handymen on the old Bob Newhart show? Not the OLD Bob Newhart show with Suzanne Plushette but the newer old Bob Newhart show where he and his wife, Joanna, owned an inn someplace in Vermont. Bob and Joanna had three derelict handymen named Larry, Darryl and Darryl who dropped in periodically to do repairs. Wow, what I wouldn't give for three derelict handymen neighbors. It probably isn't true to say I am THE most unhandy person in SC but that statement is not far from the truth. Thank goodness I had sense enough to hire REAL painters and with the help of my friends I am managing to blunder through the rest of the projects before I place an ad to get this place rented again. I have wallpapered dozens of times and some rooms were easier than others but these two rooms are taking what seems like forever just to get them prepped. OH...don't get me started on the time I bought red, white and blue wallpaper with stripes of varying widths and just to make you totally nuts, there were stars on the wide blue stripes. Not the narrow blue stripes or wide red stripes or the narrow white stripes just the wide blue stripes. The house was over 100 years old and had 12 ft ceilings so you can imagine how square the rooms were. I would paste a strip of paper, climb up the ladder, pat down the top third of the strip, climb down the ladder and shut my eyes. Then I would open my eyes and begin to smooth the paper with the brush. I thought I would go blind before I finished that room. For weeks after the room was finished I saw wavy stripes and stars every time I shut my eyes. At least this paper isn't striped or have stars. The towel bars, toilet paper holders and some ugly brass rack thingys are all down and the holes have been patched. Andre The Giant must have been the previous owner because the towel bars were all way above my head and I have no idea how a semi-normal person would hang their towel without using a step stool. OK, time for bed SO I CAN START THIS ALL OVER AGAIN TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME AND I KNOW YOU ARE JEALOUS. If anybody happens to run into Larry, Darryl and Darryl...please give them my number and feel free to tell them I am a rich widow with loose morals. Hey...as long as you are lying anyway just go ahead and tell them I am thin AND a natural blond.

NOOOO! YUK!

Everybody knows I love Mr. Morty to pieces and spoil him absolutely rotten. When I brush my teeth or put on makeup he will sit on his back legs like a rabbit and wait for me to pick him up and put him on the counter so he can play in the running water or bat my makeup off the counter. We have had this morning routine for months but I think it has come to a screaming halt. Morty was watching me brush my teeth just like he does every other day and when I say watched I mean he really gets into the process. I have a Sonicare toothbrush (my favorite toothbrush EVER) and I guess it's the noise that attracts him but he does everything short of pulling my lips apart and putting his head in my mouth so he can get a better look. Anyway, I rinsed my toothbrush off, put it back on the charger and got in the shower. I never take Morty off the bathroom counter as he just jumps down and I really never thought about what he does when I'm not standing at the sink. WELL....I stepped out of the shower and there is Morty LICKING my toothbrush. My first thought is NOOO! My second thought was, "OH MY GOSH....please let this be the first time he has licked my toothbrush!" Yeah, I ain't real bright but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the first time Morty has tasted Crest which would explain why my breath sometimes smelled like Little Frisky's while Mr. Mort was minty fresh. Sooo, my toothbrush now has a new brush head and is stored in a different locale. A locale with a DOOR. I have a doctor appointment in the morning and in addition to getting my regular prescriptions renewed I guess I better check on getting a good worming.

Paint, Wallpaper and what the heck was I thinking???

I haven't mentioned my shoulder in quite sometime mainly because I'm afraid I will "jinx it". Shhhhh.....don't tell anybody but I have no pain and the numbness is gone. Knock on wood, A LOT. So to celebrate that happy news I'm going to wallpaper the kitchen and bathrooms while our rental condo is empty! Never said I am smart. A friend from work is doing the painting as I can't paint. It's obvious to anyone when I do the painting because it looks like I used my feet instead of a brush. No matter how hard I try or how expensive the brush my paint jobs are sloppy at best. So tonight I am taking down the towel bars, pulling out the stove and refrigerator and then admit myself to the closest mental institution.

Mary Kay

I have figured out a way for Mary Kay to double her profits. First of all let me say that I have tremendous respect for Mary Kay and admire her for giving so many people (men sell Mary Kay products too!) an opportunity to support themselves while selling an excellent product. So here is my idea and I am willing to bet big $$$ that you will agree it has potential. I don't know what the exact numbers are but with the current program when a sales rep sells a specified dollar amount of Mary Kay products they are awarded the trademark pink car. Well, I was stuck in traffic this afternoon behind a Mary Kay car and had this brilliant idea. If I were Mary Kay I would issue a pink car to every new sales rep who signs up and the new sales rep would be required to drive that pink car until they sell one million dollars of merchandise. Honey, I would be ringing doorbells day and night to hit that million dollar goal! Mary Kay, you are a neat lady with an outstanding product but those pink cars are just plain butt ugly.

Need a BIG bow?

I'm not talking about a little ole teeny tiny bow for a present..I'm talking about a "big butt" 2+ foot in diameter bow! Well, good luck. Went to all the obvious places like Michael's, no deal. It was suggested we try a car dealership because they sometimes deliver cars as gifts and they have big bows. A new car on Christmas morning is something I have heard about but never experienced hint, hint, hint. I only mentioned it just in case anyone is struggling with what they can buy me for Christmas this year. So TommyB and I stopped by the Chrysler dealership and asked a salesman about the bows. "Oh yeah, I get them all the time from the party shop by Sam's Club." Wonderful! So we stop by there and the owner looks at me like I have three heads and says, "Uhhh....we haven't carried that type of ribbon for over three years." Arrrrrg! I was ready to go back to the dealership and smack that little salesman but then I felt sorry for him because apparently he has not sold a car during the holiday season in quite some time. Yesterday Old Time Pottery had told us they could make the bows and today decided they couldn't. Well, after MANY phone calls, much discussion about ribbon under wire (yes, just like a bra) and three trips to Old Time Pottery we finally have the bows. So, if in the future you find yourself in need of some "big butt bows" please give me a call because I can save you some serious shopping aggravation. I have spent less time purchasing a house than I did buying those 4 bows.

P.S. The house cost less per square foot than the bows.

I must be dumber than a brick.

Why, why, why did I put my cell phone number on my message at work? After the 14th call (yes FOURTEEN) I turned my phone off, said a bad word and finished running the vacuum. Guess everybody realized this morning that the holidays are quickly approaching whether we are ready for them or not. Actually after I turned my phone off I finished my book and took TWO naps!

My Day Off

After looking at the event calendar I decided to take today and tomorrow off mainly because it is my last chance before December 23, however, that is a good thing because it means we are slam full booked for the holidays! Sooo, I started my day off by arriving at work early. Before you say, "HUH?" let me explain. Last night I woke up almost every hour second guessing myself if I had booked a band, changed a menu and a thousand other details that go with parties. Finally at 6 AM I said oh the heck with it, just drag your sorry self to the shower and go to work for a few hours. So I did. I felt much better having that out of the way and then decided heck, I'm up and out so why not go to Old Time Pottery and finish the shopping for holiday centerpieces and candles we still need. I love Old Time Pottery but absolutely positively hate to shop. Debi is sick as a dog and I decided that is too bad because if I had to suffer she should suffer too. So I called her from work and told her to get a cough drop, put on her sweat pants, don't sneeze on me and drag your sorry self out to the driveway...we're going SHOPPIN'! Debi loves to shop so unless she is in a coma or has a fever of 108 I knew she would be ready to GO....and go we did. Hope you didn't plan on buying anything from Old Time Pottery that has the dark red apples because we cleaned them out. We have to go back on Friday and pick up bows we are having made and other than a few more glass candle holders and we are done, done, done!

Vegetable Soup

I love hamburger vegetable soup and have been known to eat it twice a day for as long as a month. Guess that proves my menu choices are just as dull as my wardrobe choices. I usually make tuna noodle casserole, chicken vegetable casserole and hamburger vegetable soup and then freeze individual portions in sandwich bags for my lunch. If I am organized enough to make and freeze all three dishes in one day then I have lunches for a month. Everybody at work makes fun of my chicken and vegetable casserole and they call it "barf in a bag". Yeah well, laugh all you want to my friends because it may look nasty but it is goooood! The recipe for hamburger vegetable soup is below...very complicated, so pay attention. You will have plenty to eat and freeze unless you are trying to feed the Osmond family.

HAMBURGER VEGETABLE SOUP

1-2 lbs of hamburger

1 large onion, chopped

3 large cans of diced tomatoes including the juice

1 large bag of frozen mixed vegetables (without lima beans,YUK)

1 small bag of your favorite vegetable (I use corn)

Brown the hamburger and onion in a dutch oven, drain fat if necessary. In the same pan add the 3 cans of diced tomatoes, and both bags of vegetables. Simmer (lid on) for an hour or so and you got yourself some soup! Sometimes I use plain diced tomatoes but I like the ones with basil and garlic best. You can also add cooked macaroni if you want a heartier soup. See what you learned today? How about that and you thought this space was just for fun. Stick with me and get educamated.

Wow!

If you want to hear from old friends whom you haven't talked to in ages all you have to do is write "I normally have my Christmas shopping done and wrapped by now". Come on people, you know I don't shop this early because I'm organized...it's because I HAVE TO WORK EVERY SINGLE DAY IN DECEMBER! However, I do have to admit it's a nice feeling to put the tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving AND be able to put wrapped gifts under the tree and know you are DONE. Unless I get my hiney in high gear that will not happen this year and my kids may be getting a picture cut out of a catalog with a note saying, "This is what I would have bought you if I HAD gotten my hiney in gear." We had a great corporate group for a reception this evening. Love these type of groups as they come in ready to have a good time, enjoy the food, see everything we have to offer and just plain make our jobs easy and pleasant. Morty is pounding on the cabinet door where the cat food is stored so it must be dinner time!

We made hushpuppies!

I am using the term "we" loosely as my participation consisted of passing the basket of hot hushpuppies to our guests. This was the second time we offered this cooking class and once again it was a hit. It's always nice when things come together and actually work. These hushpuppies are a bit different as there is shrimp and crab in the recipe, very tasty. Oh for heaven sakes...how can anybody not like something that is sooo not good for you! I worked most of Sunday trying to get a jump on the holiday parties and did make some progress. The bad news is I usually have my Christmas shopping done and wrapped by now and not only have I not started, I haven't even given it a thought. Now that I have thoroughly depressed myself, it's time to go to bed!

The mailman thinks I have lost my mind.

All of Aunt June's mail is being forwarded to me so I can get her final bills paid and forward what needs to go to the attorney. However, in addition to the bills I am now getting all the junk mail from The Amazing Kreskin, Marie Duvall, The National Enquirer, Star Magazine and I don't remember all the others right off the top of my head. I have never in my life thrown away and shredded so much paper! My mailbox used to be empty several days a week...well ha ha, not anymore! Sooo, if you are in need of any gossip rags just give me a call because I have a whole butt load and will happily share.

Just Shoot Me Now

Wedding rehearsals...no big deal. They last 45 minutes to an hour, start out chaotic and then magically fall into place, NORMALLY. However you have probably learned by now that I apparently live in bizarro world and normal rules do not apply. Tonights rehearsal lasted 3 1/2 hours and the ending was more chaotic then the beginning. If you have anything you want to say to me I suggest you call before 4 PM because I fully anticipate TommyB going postal no later than 3 PM and I will just be a memory.

I have been set FREE!

I have a good friend from high school days who is a retired physician. Loren is a big believer in vitamins and supplements and sends me OTC herbs to try on a regular basis. Well, in the last package there was a bottle of flax seed oil capsules and probiotic acid capsules. Not sure I spelled that last one correctly but you better believe I will recognize the name on a drug store shelf. He always includes a note telling me the recommended dosage, what side effects to be aware of, and what should not be combined. The information for these two supplements said they help form healthy bacteria in the stomach and digestive track. Nothing to alarm you there, right? For the past two days I have been taking my daily vitamin along with the recommended dosage of both supplements and I have come to the conclusion that the directions should have read: Take two capsules in the morning with a full glass of water, pray you don't cough or sneeze, wear dark pants and a Depends. Holy moly, I think I just flushed something I ate in 1983.