Swimsuit Season!

One of the best things about living in Myrtle Beach is it's warm most of the year. One of the downers of living in Myrtle Beach is swimsuit season is practically year round...like I want that kind of daily humiliation. If you need a real chuckle bring a friend along and try on bathing suits while you are wearing knee highs or even better, white sweat socks. Wowser, what a vision and it's enough to make you want to bring back the days of bathing suits with sleeves, matching hats and stockings. A friend of mine, who also shops in the Jumbo Petite section, told me that she had replaced the bottom part of her bathing suit with one of those black, high waisted guaranteed to hold your gut in even after Thanksgiving dinner panty gizmos so of course I immediately bought a pair. OK...according to the directions you put the panties on the floor, step into the leg holes and start working them up. HOLY COW...pull, tug, yank and ALMOST over the calves, my knees just snapped together but..I..AM..MAKING...PROGRESS. Yank, pull, tug and OH MY GOD...somebody took all the oxygen out of the room and I am seeing spots, one more tug and I am almost there...just a little more, whew got it! Hmm, that's not so bad and OH MY GOD...you could bounce a quarter off my butt. I bent over to pick up the bathing suit top and holy moly the whole contraption rolled down like a window shade. CRAP! OK...start over. Pull, tug, pull, tug...pant, OK. Just...a...little...more. Almost. Yank and PULL. There, got it! Bend over again but am snapped back to attention by my ribs of steel "undergarment". Well, bending over is out so....I carefully use my toes to pickup the bathing suit top and after several unsuccessful tries at flinging it towards my shaking hands... the top finally caught on my outstretched thumb. Sweat is pouring down my back, my hair is stuck to my head and my calf muscles are cramping from the strain but my posture is perfect! I get the top on and considering what I have to work with...not bad. However, thanks to the ribs of steel "undergarmet" all my fat has been squeezed to the top and it appears I have grown a third boob or perhaps it's a low riding goiter. Lovely. So I peeled off the ribs of steel undergarmet, pitched it in the garbage and we are all better off because if that thing let loose...somebody would have lost an eye.