Me and plastic surgery...not so much.

About the same time I received my AARP card bookoo years ago I also started receiving invitations to plastic surgery seminars. For the first few years I gave them a glance and pitched them in the trash. However, this past year they have started to hold my interest...especially the ones that include a nice lunch or dinner. My friend Rebecca and I received another invitation this week that included lunch at an especially nice restaurant that we have been wanting to try so we decided what the heck, we are curious AND hungry so let's see what they have to say. Somewhere along lifes pathway Rebecca has developed a turkey neck and not only are my eyes sliding off my face but I have grown bat wings. You know...bat wings? That is what slaps you in the face when you are brushing your teeth. Rebecca and I arrived early and sat in the parking lot to survey the other attendees just to make sure we weren't the oldest saggiest people. Well honey, after about five minutes of people watching we were starting to feel like Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley in their heyday. Boy howdy, there was a whole lotta loose skin heading towards that meeting room. We registered and choose our seats carefully. Close enough to see but far enough away that we could still make fun of people without causing too much of a scene. It didn't take long for the entertainment to start. This sweet lady who appeared to be about 93 sat next to me and we all introduced ourselves. After chatting for awhile she announced that she is 64 which made me want to whip out my mirror as that old crone is only four years older than me! She also told us that she had just paid $4,000 for a non-surgical face lift and Rebecca and I were speechless. I know, hard to believe. My hand to God that woman's face looked like a piece of crumpled paper. Rebecca recovered first and asked her what type of procedure she had done and she told us it involved a peel, moisturizers and heat. Unfortunately I recovered my sense of speech at that time and before my good manners could kick in I said, "Well, how about next time I slather you with Vicks, throw a heating pad on your face and I'll only charge you $2,000." It was right about then that Rebecca's foot connected with my shin. It hurt too. We had a lovely lunch met several very interesting people and I came to the conclusion that until they come up with a way to put a knob on the back of my head that I can turn to tighten everything up I am content with my well earned wrinkles and bat wings.

Bacardi Rum Cake, or as Avery calls it...

"Grandma! Why does your cake burn my mouth!" No, I am not in the habit of giving alcohol to children and when I make a rum cake I have a regular cake or cookies on hand for the kids. However, this was Christmas Day when the kitchen was full of people and Avery happened to get the wrong cake...but boy howdy, she sure took a good nap! Oh I'm kidding but it is a good idea. This is the original Bacardi Rum Cake recipe that I have been making since the 70's and I think it's the most moist cake I've ever eaten. It ships well and is even better the second or third day if you are lucky enough to have any left over. Enjoy!

BACARDI RUM CAKE WITH A BUTTER RUM GLAZE
1 Cup Chopped Pecans
1 Box Cake Mix-18 1/2 oz (Yellow or Butter Pecan)
1 Box Instant Pudding-4 oz (Vanilla or Butterscotch)
4 Eggs
1/2 Cup Cold Milk
1/2 Cup Water
1/2 Cup Bacardi Dark Rum

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Spray a 12 cup Bundt pan liberally with Pam. Sprinkle nuts on the bottom of the pan. Combine all cake ingredients and mix on high for two minutes. Pour into prepared pan and bake for one hour.

GLAZE
1/2 Cup Butter
1/4 Cup Water
1 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Bacardi Dark Rum

Melt butter in saucepan. Stir in water and sugar. Boil for five minutes stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in rum. The rum will steam so be careful!
Pierce the hot cake (still in the pan) with a wooden skewer and slowly pour glaze over cake. Allow cake to cool in pan to absorb the glaze. After cake has cooled invert pan onto cake plate and prepare to receive many compliments.

We lost a member of the family.

Oh, we knew the day was coming because no matter how much we wish it wasn't true... ponies do not live forever. Well, our heads know they don't live forever but our hearts counted on a different outcome. Cocoa was twenty-seven when he joined our family twelve years ago and we couldn't have asked for a sweeter or more patient pony. Tory was all of three years old the first time she and Cocoa met and it wasn't long before they were quite the couple. If you have spent any time around ponies you already know 99.9% of them are mean as a snake but Cocoa apparently didn't know he was supposed to be disagreeable. Katy was next in line for Cocoa and while I don't know this for a fact I am willing to bet Cocoa was very pleased when Miss Kate advanced to a horse. We love Kate but she has one speed and it's wide open. Poor ole Cocoa was more of a moseyier than a trotter and Kate wants no part of mosey. Picture Danika Kirkpatrick on horseback and that's our Kate. Then we have Sarah Elizabeth...the jumper. Coco's legs were not exactly long but Sarah was determined to make Coco a jumper and jump he did. OK, it was only the dry stream bed in the pasture but bless Cocoa's heart he gave it his all and made one little girl very proud when he managed to clear that ditch. Sarah is six years older than Matthew so Cocoa had a well deserved break before he was back in the riding business with one determined little boy who still has no idea he isn't just as big as his older sisters. Matthew is six and not quite ready for a horse but it was becoming obvious over the past few months that Cocoa was feeling his age. Instead of working to keep Cocoa's weight down it became a battle to keep his weight from dropping. Cocoa's feet started to bother him and the farrier suggested orthopedic shoes. They helped but you could tell they didn't solve the problem. Polly said as much as those shoes cost they should have been Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals but I think they were just regular old horse shoes with extra support. This fall Cocoa's weight continued to drop and Polly put him in a pen by himself so he wouldn't have to compete for his food but even that didn't help and Cocoa continued to go downhill. On a cold, windy Sunday morning Polly went out to check on Cocoa before they left for church. He ate a small amount of grain from her hand but it was obvious he was in pain and exhausted. Polly went inside to tell Tony it was time and please ask the vet to come out in the morning. After church Polly, Tony and all four kids bundled up to go back out to the barn and say their goodbyes to Cocoa but it was too late. Like all true gentlemen Cocoa knew when it was time to make his exit and he had passed away peacefully shortly after Polly's early morning visit. Polly was so thankful she had taken the time to scratch Cocoa's ears and feed him his favorite treat that one last time. Cocoa is buried at the ranch which is just as it should be because he is family and families should be together.

Me and my mouth.

I really didn't mean to embarrass myself or the poor businessman behind me in the security line in Charlotte. It all started very innocently and I had no intention of discussing anyone's undergarments and certainly not the undergarments of a perfect stranger. In retrospect it was not my fault and I know the chances of TSA taking any of the blame is slim to none but I do feel better letting them know that they need to share some responsibility. I mean really...one person tried one time to hide a match in his shoe so from this day forward EVERY person going through any airport must do so barefooted?? OK, here is what happened. The nice businessman and I were chatting in the security line while waiting our turn talking about how full the flights have been, why do we travel on the busiest weekend of the year...you know, stranger chat. I made it through first and was trying to bend over and tie my tennis shoes without passing out from lack of oxygen when I became aware of a disturbance. Nothing major but the poor businessman's carry on bag had tipped over and his possessions were scattered on the belt and and moving quickly beyond his reach. Did I just finish tying my shoes and let TSA handle the scattered items? OH nooooo...not me! I grabbed a book and a hair bursh before they hit the floor and here is where it becomes a little dicey. He thanked me and started to walk away when I noticed he had forgotten several items at the bottom of his gray bin and this is what I said. "Oh wait Sir...you forgot your unnerwares!" Unnerwares?? I said unnerwares to a perfect stranger?? Don't you just know that little gem was shared at his Thanksgiving table and here is a big thank you to TSA for not making us wear nametags. Lawz a mercy, unnerwares?? Arrg!

My Kindle Marketing Plan

I have come to the conclusion that Amazon needs me...bad. I bought a Kindle2 earlier this year and don't plan to buy a DTB (dead tree book) ever again. Yeah well, we won't go into the list of my previous declarations but I do love my K2. I discovered early on that if I am out in public all I have to do is open my K2 and all of a sudden I am everybody's newest bestest friend which is great unless you really want to read or your doctor is more interested in discussing the Kindle than why your cholesterol won't go down no matter how much flippin' oatmeal you eat or miles you walk. The conversation usually goes like this: "I hate to bother you...BUT is that a Kindle?" "Do you like it?" "Do you miss the feel of a book?" You can tell they are just dying to get their hands on my Kindle and see how it works soooo once again I do Amazon's work for them and sell another Kindle2. Have I received even a thank you note from Amazon? Noooooo! Not even a phone call on my birthday. OK, here is my plan. All I have to do is buy another K2. I will leave it in the original packaging and use mine as a demo which I do already so no biggie. I figure by the time I finish my sales pitch and my newest bestest friend is in a K2 purchase frenzy I can whip out the new K2 and sell it right there on the spot. I was on four flights over the Thanksgiving holiday and seriously...I could have sold at least two K2's. Well, I have to go now as I just know Jeff Bezo's is trying to reach me.

Grey Gardens

Have you seen the HBO movie based on Jackie O's Aunt Edith? If you haven't I certainly recommend you do so at the first opportunity. There is also a 1975 documentary, with the same title, that is supposed to be excellent but I haven't been able to locate a copy that doesn't break my budget. Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore play the mother daughter duo in the HBO version and if you ever need an inspiration to clean house then honey, this is the film for you. WOWSER...my new rule of thumb for a deep clean is "if there are more than five raccoons peeking through the dining room ceiling" then it's time to haul out the Dyson. These two women ended up living with an entire raccoon family as well as more than 80 cats who couldn't find a litter box with the help of an Eagle Scout, a flashlight and a map. I made the mistake of watching this film when I was flat on my back in bed with a temp of 101 and a rattly chest that sounded just like wet wood burning in the fireplace. There were used tissues on my nightstand, bed and yes...on the floor. At least four half filled glasses sat beside me, the Sunday paper scattered on the bed and floor but here is the part that shook me to the core. There were two cats sleeping comfortably at my feet which means I am only 78 cats away from eviction. Seriously, great film but I advise you to clean house BEFORE you watch.

Pneumonia...the sequel.

YES...I am sick again which equals the same level of surprise as reading TMZ and learning that Amy Winehouse is in rehab. When God was handing out respiratory systems I must have gotten in the line labeled PLEASANT PERSONALITY, LIKES SMALL CHILDREN, BIG BUTTS & CRAPPY RESPIRATORY SYSTEM. The Sprite Zero was on empty yesterday afternoon so on the way home from my umpteenth chest x-ray I made an emergency stop at the local grocery store. The good news is I had showered and shampooed so I was at least clean but that was pretty much all I had done. What I am trying to tell you is I wish I looked as good as Amy Winehouse. There were lines at all four registers...total of 24 registers but only 4 with cashiers. However, I made an amazing discovery. All I had to do was cough and the person in front of me offered to let me go ahead of them. What do you want to bet that before my key was in the ignition that entire store was hosed down in Purell. Hate to brag but I do have a pretty amazing cough.

Swiss Steak makes your floor shiney.

Polly is visiting for a few days and I am LOVING having her here! She is going to NC to attend a funeral and since TSA won't let me bring more than 2 oz of my favorite moisturizer I am guessing they would have a real hissy fit if she tried to fly with the traditional homemade funeral food that is required of any Southern mourner. So being the good Mama that I am, I baked a butter pecan (yes with lots of real butter and pecans) and enough swiss steak to feed all of Harnett County. This is my Mama's recipe for swiss steak so you know it is good. I made mashed potatoes (also with LOTS of real butter) because it is a sin to eat swiss steak without mashed potatoes. The cake was cooling on the counter and I was busy wrapping the pan of swiss steak to go in the refrigerator for it's trip to NC. Just as I was carefully placing the pan on the bottom shelf of the fridge the swiss steak shifted, flipped out of my hands and landed on the floor. The glass dish broke to smitherines, gravy ran underneath the refrigerater and I said a whole bunch of very bad words. Two rolls of paper towels and a cut finger later the floor was really really clean and shiney. There was nothing left for me to do but sit down and eat a whole bowl of mashed potatoes with real butter, so I did.

GRANDMA WALKER'S SWISS STEAK

Cube Steak (I use 2 medium pieces per person)
Canned Whole Tomatoes (drained, reserve juice)
Sliced Onion
2 Envelopes Brown Gravy Mix
Oil, Heavy Skillet
9 by 13 pan

Heat approximately 1/2 inch of oil in a heavy skillet and while the oil is getting hot Pam the 9 by 13 pan or whatever baking container you plan to use. When the oil is hot quickly brown the cube steak. Make sure the oil is really hot and all you have to do is a quick flip as this step is strictly for appearance. Don't tell Grandma Walker but I have been known to skip the browning step and it does not affect the taste one bit, just turn down the lights because the swiss steak isn't as pretty. Place the first layer of cube steak in your baking dish and top with a sliced onion and a whole tomato. Continue layering (if you have a large family) but don't forget to leave room for the gravy and meat juices. Mix the two envelopes of brown gravy mix with 1 cup of the reserved tomato juice and pour over the top of the cube steak. Add water if you don't have a full cup of juice. Cover your baking dish and bake at 275 for 6 to 8 hrs. You can throw yours under the refrigerator like I did but I really don't reccomend it.

It must be Spring!

It's cloudy, gray and raining but I have seen the first sign of Spring. I stopped at the local grocery store on my way home from work and there were six boys (OK, they were probably seniors in college but when you hit my age anyone under 40 is a child) filling their cart with beer and potato chips. If that doesn't say Spring is here I will eat my belly button ring. Oh get real, you know I'm kidding about the belly button ring. Heck, if I had one it would be the size of a dinner plate and that brings us back to Grandma's saying, "If it ain't purty, don't put it on the front porch." Do you even wonder who came up with the idea of belly button rings? I think it must have been some old jewelry maker who somehow got stuck with a gazillion unmatched earrings and spent weeks pondering how in the world he was going to unload all that unmatched jewelry. I do not want or need a belly button ring but I would be willing to give up a months paychecks to hear the sales pitch he gave to make that first sale!

One box, one cat and thousands of styrofoam pellets.

Polly makes the best homemade jelly and I put it on everything but prime rib and collards. My friend Debi says her husband Sid has two kinds of jelly. The "everyday" jelly from the grocery store and Polly's raspberry jelly which is only used on weekends or special occasions. Have you figured out we like Polly's homemade jelly? We have been out for quite some time and FINALLY...a new box of jelly arrived on Friday. After making sure each jar was intact I set the box filled with styrofoam pellets on the floor and went out to dinner with friends. We had a great time, lots of laughs happy hour prices were still on which means dirty martini's were only $2.50 so you know we had a very good time. I came back home about 8 PM and thought it was odd that Morty didn't greet me at the front door. The only time Ginglebelle greets me at the door is if my hands are full and she thinks she has a chance of sneaking out between my feet. I called his name and no Morty. Filled his food dish and still no Morty. Just as I got out of the shower something with a tail and four legs came slinking into the bedroom. Well, apparently while I was out Morty found the box of styrofoam pellets and turned it into his personal playground. I also discovered Morty has static cling issues. The only visible fur on poor Morty was the tip of his tail...everything else was pink styrofoam pellets. Never a dull moment and yes, the pellets have been recycled. Sorry Morty.

Poor Deprived Grandchild

It's a well known fact that I am not a shopper. Don't get me wrong...you all know I LOVE the As Seen On TV products and Amazon has been known to call and see if I'm OK if I'm not on their site at least once a day but go to the mall and spend the afternoon shopping? No way, I would rather poke myself in the eye with a fork. Apparently my aversion to mall shopping gene has been passed to my oldest child. Polly needed to pick up a few things for a trip they have coming up so she and 5 yr old Matthew made the dreaded trip to their local mall. They walked in, Matthew looked around and said, "MAMA! Why haven't we been here before??" My family is so cosmopolitan.

Cremation

I love commercials and advertisements. There is a radio commercial about cremation running in my area that makes me chuckle every time it plays. Oh you already know I'm not quite right so you can't be too surprised I think a commercial about cremation is funny. The spokesman has a deep calm voice and after he has spent 45 seconds talking about tradition, funerals, cremation and family he ends the commercial with...choose cremation when the time is right. Well DUH...if the time was wrong wouldn't the person still be alive and I am guessing pretty ticked off.

Uterus...or a gumball machine??

I don't know about you but I have to question the ethics of a Doctor who is willing to implant eight embryos into an unmarried, unemployed mother of six children all under the age of seven. Part of me wants to say it's her body, her business and her choice. Then reality sets in and I have to wonder who is financing this circus act and unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I already know who is paying the bill. I also worry about what kind of life is in store for those fourteen children. Thinking back to the days when we had three children under the age of five, it was no walk in the park even with two parents. Dave and I made a pact that whoever asked for a divorce had to take the kids so of course that ensured we would be together for at least 20 years and at the end of twenty years we were too tired to get a divorce. Our children weren't bad or mean but oh my lawz a mercy they were busy and worked as a team. Eddie was the youngest which explains why she was the one who was dropped down the laundry chute. Polly and Bud were very thoughtful and not only did they pile dirty clothes (never in short supply) under the chute but they did a test run on the dog first. Now that is love. Back to the eight embryos, I guess my opinion is just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Super Bowl Sunday!

I love the parties, love the team rivalry, love the menu but watch the game??? Never in a million years. Oh I usually try to catch the last 15 minutes but even that doesn't happen every year and guess what...ESPN will show me every thing that actually happened, should have happened and what will never happen again. I do enjoy the commercials but thanks to the internet I can still see them and not have to suffer through 17 hrs (seems like) of sweaty overweight men in tight pants. Heck, I can go to Wal-Marts and see that any day of the week. Even the half time entertainment will be featured for weeks and I don't know about you but I have seen about all I care to see of Janet Jackson's boob AND her boob ornament. Until the "malfunction" I didn't even know you could buy ornaments for boobs and if I had been forced to guess I would have said some kind of little fur hat certainly not a cold piece of metal. The only reason I can possibly think of to watch the game this year is to see how the heck a baseball team made it to the Super Bowl.

Nose Pickers

Do people think they are invisible when they are in a vehicle? I was sitting at a red light and happened to glance at the car in the next lane. My hand to God..A GROWN man had his index finger buried to the second knuckle. If he's doing that in public...wonder what he's doing in the privacy of his own home?

New Driver Alert

Tory has her drivers license and I really don't know how this happened. In my eyes she is still four years old and thinks I can blow on traffic lights and make them turn green. Children getting their drivers license causes so many mixed feelings for parents. First there is excitement in the possibility that MAYBE you can actually finish cooking dinner at least one night without stopping midway to pick someone up from basketball practice. Excited is quickly followed by pain and a few tears when you receive the first insurance bill. Pain and excitement are soon replaced by reality when you realize that yes, your child is growing up but if you have to remind them more than 18 times to slow down during a five mile trip perhaps they are not quite ready to drive alone or worse, with friends. Soooo...with all this being said Polly is on her way to the school gym to coach the middle school boys basketball practice and she receives a phone call from our new driver. "Mom, I have a great idea." "Hunter and I want to go to the boys soccer game and since I can drive we will wait for you here at school and I can drive us to the game." Polly explains to Tory that she really doesn't think Tory is ready to drive with anyone else in the car quite yet. Conversation over. Two minutes later the phone rings again..guess who. "Mom, I promise Hunter and I will go straight there and come straight back to the school and I will be careful." Again Polly says no but explains that she will be happy to take Tory and Hunter to the soccer game. Two minutes later, phone rings..."Mom, you know I am responsible and you trust me to babysit Matthew so I don't understand why I can't drive to the game." Once again Polly told her no and don't ask again. Two minutes later the phone rings and Tory says, "Mom, is Dad with you or is he at the office?" If you have children I am willing to bet you know where this conversation went and no, Tory didn't drive that night and I'm not sure she will be allowed to drive before 2021.

Read the instructions first...ya big dummy.

You already know I am a huge fan of AS SEEN ON TV products. Some people collect Precious Moments, some people bake and some of us sit around with a credit card in our hand just waiting for that next exciting new invention...like ShamWow or The Pocket Fisherman. Yes, I own both of those items but they do not compare to my latest purchase, Smooth Away or as I like to call it..READ THE INSTRUCTIONS FIRST YA BIG DUMMY OR YOUR FACE WILL LOOK LIKE A HUNK OF HAMBURGER. The instructions are very clear, the product works great but if you don't read the instructions first prepare to spend a week like I just did with your face doused in Ponds Cold Cream 24 hrs a day. The Smooth Away comes in two sizes. The larger pads are for your arms and legs and the smaller pads are for your face unless you are like me and don't read the directions but decide that since you are in a hurry you will give your face a few good swipes with the large pad and call it a day. My face looked like I live on the sun and oh my gosh...P-A-I-N. Nothing soothed the discomfort except Ponds Cold Cream and everybody at work thought I was applying to clown college. Bottom line, read the instructions, FOLLOW the instructions and you will love your Smooth Away. I should be able to blink by Thursday.

New Yeas Eve....Bleah!

New Year's Eve has never been my favorite holiday but I do enjoy dinner with friends, maybe a movie and then safely home before the drunks leave the bars and hit the roads. Well, isn't that a pretty picture? Rosemary, TommyB and I met good friends, Tom & Janie, for dinner at a new Italian restaurant here in town and we had a great time. The restaurant was slam packed full and our 8pm reservation didn't happen until 8:45pm but the food made the wait worthwhile. Each course was wonderful and the bread was out of this world. Of course it probably didn't hurt any that we were all starving and almost had a fistfight over one fuzzy Tic Tac I found in the bottom of my purse while we were waiting for a table. I was the designated driver but not drinking could hardly be called a sacrafice as I very seldom drink anyway. We had to laugh when the waitress brought Rosemary her scotch and soda. Oh, it was the proper mix, just the right amount of ice but it was in a wine glass as the bar was out of cocktail glasses. Anyway, it was a very pleasant evening and the only drunks we encountered were in my backseat on their way home.