If you are going to live in my dumpster...

there are rules. First of all there will be no slithering or slinking as slithering and slinking make me think you are trying to sneak up on me and run up my pants leg. All movement must be made with purpose but not rushed because rushed makes me think you are running towards me and your main goal is to run up my pants leg. If you have a tail I would prefer that it have hair as hair on the tail means you are a possible pet but no hair on the tail means you are a rodent who with no warning will run up my pants leg. Do you see a theme here? Since moving to the South many years ago I made peace with the fact that I would have to become accustomed to sharing "my space" with new animals that we didn't have when I was growing up in in the big city of Kingman, Indiana. The only animals we had were raccoons, possums, skunks and an occasional black snake. Have you ever seen a skink? Bleeeah....they are a lizard but look and move like a snake. Their favorite habitat is under my pool chair or between me and the mailbox. I still don't know what was in the dumpster the other night. All I know for sure is it was about the size of a possum and squeals when it is scared. Hmmm, that might have been me who squealed. I was definitely the one who wet her pants.

I thought Moms Mabley was dead.

Surprise! Not only is Moms alive and well but she is working as a gate agent for Delta. Since I live on the East coast and four of my six grandchildren live on the West coast I spend a fair amount of time in airports. During a layover in Atlanta (doesn't matter where you are going there is always a layover in Atlanta) a little old lady who was dressed in navy blue from head to toe, including a stunning navy blue hat pulled down low over her eyes, marched toward the gate desk. The hat was pulled down so low and tight a series of little springy curls had escaped and were hanging on for dear life. At first glance my fellow passengers and I assumed Moms must be in need of assistance but noooo...she moved behind the desk and picked up the microphone. Well, Moms made a lengthy announcement. My fellow travelers and I looked at each other in confusion and we were fairly certain there was a flight delay and possibly a gate change but that was all we were able to decipher from Moms toothless dialog. Bless her heart, after confusing (and entertaining) a tired group of travelers she gathered up her belongings and moved on to her next assignment. Ah yes, gotta love the glamour and excitement of travel.

You're kidding...right??

I love the symphony. There is something magical about a live performance of any kind but the symphony is special. Well, it used to be special. It was special until I chaperoned a group of seven year old boys...six of them to be exact for an afternoon at the symphony. It was the first really cold day, snowing hard and of course the wind was only slightly below gale force. After loading the boys (why do I always get the boys??) in the trusty Suburban I knew we were in trouble when I glanced in my rear view mirror and all six of them had removed their coats, hats, gloves and were in the process of trading boots. Why? I don't know why....they are boys, they are seven and seven year old boys do things like strip on the way to the symphony. I put my hand to my forehead and muttered my first swear word of the day, the first of many swear words. Of course all the parking spots close to the performance center are taken and we are forced to park in a questionable area between two taverns. Lovely. It takes a few minutes to sort out hats, gloves, coats and boots but after lots of snorts and giggles (the boys) and sweating & tugging (me) everyone has on a hat, coat, boots and at least one glove. I'm sorry you don't have a glove for each hand. Stick your other hand in your pocket and shut up. We walk and walk and when I think the wind could not possibly blow any harder it does a 180 and whips down my neck. Me and my "little gang" finally reach the performance center where they discover (with great delight) the high ceilings of the entry foyer have an awesome echo and the louder you yell the louder the echo. As I looked around the lobby it appeared I was the only chaperone with boys. It seemed to me every other chaperone was there with little girls who were dressed in their finest and patiently waiting to be seated. My group was the one in the middle of the foyer running in circles, yelling whoooo whoooo (remember the echo?) and trying to put boogers in each others hair. We were finally all seated and the conductor made his appearance. It should be against the law for a conductor to wear a hair piece so bad that even seven year old boys snicker. I gave them "the look" and everyone sat back in their seats to enjoy the performance. That lasted halfway through the first piece. One of my gang discovered that if he put his hand in his armpit he could make farting noises in time with the music so of course within 30 seconds I had six boys giggling hysterically and making farting noises in their armpits. I gave up. I was toast. Done. I gathered up my little gang, put hats, coats and gloves back on and worked our way out of the auditorium. There was applause as we were leaving and I really really want to think it was for the symphony.

I'm never going to the optomitrist again.

What the heck?? I entered my optometrists office a middle aged person and came out 45 minutes later ELDERLY?! I knew my eyes had changed this year so I was not surprised when Dr. J kindly pointed out that it is time for bifocals. FINE...I have heard the horror stories from newly bifocaled friends about raising their foot 3 feet trying to get up on a curb that suddenly appears much higher than it used to be or completely missing a step that they have navigated without incident for the last 10 years. I also knew there have been improvements made with bifocals over the past few years with no lines and being more user friendly. Can't say I was exactly thrilled to hear that I need bifocals but I wasn't completely surprised and figured I should count my blessings as I didn't need any type of glasses until I was 40. Basically I told myself to suck it up Buttercup you are getting older and you need bifocals, big whoop. Well, just as I am picking up my purse and trying to decide if I want cherry amaretto ice cream or pumpkin spice ice cream (as my reward for being good...DUH) Dr J says, "We won't worry about surgery until your exam next year unless you notice a change in your vision." Excuse me? Surgery? ME? I'm having surgery? Apparently the look on my face made it very clear I had nooo idea what she was talking about. Well folks, I have cataracts. Everything on my body is falling into my shoes, turning black or doesn't work anymore so why would I expect my eyes to be any different?? Geesh...I'm going back to the dentist next week and cannot wait to hear what good news he has to share. They don't make false teeth out of wood anymore...do they??

Today..I met the bug man.

July is always busy at work with tourists and family reunions so it wasn't unusual to have four banquets scheduled for this past weekend. You are probably asking yourself what the heck that has to do with me and the bug man but it actually plays a very important part in our memorable meeting. Working long hours and being charming for hours on end wears me out and I don't bounce back like I did ten years ago. So after working all weekend let's just say I was a little slower than normal on getting out the door for work this morning. I had just gotten out of the shower, towel wrapped around my head and was wearing one of my lovely t-shirts I like to wear to bed. Apparently I was still in the shower when the bug man rang the doorbell so you can imagine his surprise (AND MINE) when I came charging out of the bathroom and almost knocked the poor man down. His doctor tells me that with proper medication and lots of rest he should be able to resume a normal life in less than a year.

amazon.com

Everybody knows I love love love Amazon. It is the most amazing place in the whole entire world! Don't want to carry those 10 gallon jugs of Tide from the car to the house...NO PROBLEM! Order it on Amazon and UPS will bring it to your front door and if you are real nice the UPS man will even start a load of laundry before he leaves. OK, that last thing about the UPS man is a big lie and truth be told I am willing to bet my UPS man is plotting a way to take my computer away from me so I am back to doing my own shopping at the Piggly Wiggly like the rest of the world. One afternoon last week at work (sorry Peter, yes I sometimes shop when I'm at work but I also take work calls at home so let's not go all nutso here) I had ordered a book for my Kindle and forgot to log out of my Amazon account. Not good. My friend, John, was tipped off by my other friend, Tom, that not only had I not logged off my computer but my Amazon account was still on my screen. YES...I know, DUMB DUMB DUMB. Well...when I came back to work the next morning my computer was all shut down properly and according to the paperwork on my desk...I had done some serious shopping! My friends, John and Tom, placed a small order of things they thought I could use. Did you know you can order a pontoon boat on Amazon? Well, neither did I until I checked the order confirmation. You can also order an anchor, trolling motor, fish finder, drill press and condoms by the case. OH...in case you are interested I have more uses for the anchor than I do that last item. Paybacks are hell boys.

The Ultimate Compliment

I love fragrances but they have to be light especially during the warm weather which is approximately 51 weeks a year here in SC. Gucci Pour Homme II is my current "go to" fragrance and please don't tell anybody but I'm 99% sure it is a mans cologne. Pffftb....like I care. I also like Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue and Marc Jacobs Cucumber....all nice and airy, not heavy and I know they are women's fragrances because they are in fru fru bottles. Today I received the ULTIMATE compliment from a 4 yr old boy. I was wearing Sugar Lemon by Fresh and quite frankly I thought I smelled pretty darn good. It's hotter than the hinges on the door to hell so I especially like the nice cool lemon smell in this humid weather. A little boy and his mother were waiting in line for an exhibit at work and as I walked by the mother said, "OH...you smell so good, may I ask you what fragrance you are wearing?" I told her Sugar Lemon by Fresh and her little boy said, "I want to smell too!" I am thinking what an adorable child and quickly leaned over for him to sniff my neck. After a deep inhale he said, "OH Mama...you gots to get some of dis fume. Dis lady smells just like Fruit Loops." Thanks a lot kid.