It's TOURON TIME!

For those of you who do not live in a resort area (which is anyone with an ounce of common sense) you may not be familiar with the term...touron. A touron is a moron who happens to be vacation. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE tourists....we need tourists to keep our economy going, they are fun and yes, they are the source of my paycheck. NOBODY needs a touron. Tourons are the ones who suddenly decide that they absolutely positively MUST stop at THIS Eagles  which happens to be on the other side of the street and across four lanes of traffic. For those of you who are not familiar with Eagles, they are a beachwear store and can be found approximately every 50 feet in Myrtle Beach. A touron will ask you, "What time is the 11 o'clock dive show?" Tourons want to know what time the beach closes. OH...love this one, "How far above sea level are we?" Uhhhh.....we were standing in the ocean when she asked me that question. A very pleasant couple sat their beach chairs not too far from mine one Sunday afternoon and when they discovered I was a local the husband asked me how long we had been in a drought. I told him it had been several months since we had any measurable rain but we were supposed to have rain for the next two days. His reply was that was good news because they weren't leaving until the weekend and maybe the water level would be back up before they went home. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was low tide.

Livestock

When I am at the ranch in Montana I expect to deal with livestock....horses, cattle, an occasional jackrabbit and oh yes, there was also Cuddles the pygmy goat that Polly had for about 45 minutes. Apparently Cuddles did a little tap dance on the the hood of Tony's new truck and I was told that Cuddles went to live with a nice family down the road. Quite frankly I have my doubts. I don't want to point any fingers but if Polly offers you a taco just back away and say no thank you. Their house is surrounded on three sides by hay fields which is great until the hay is cut and all the little mousies have to find a new home. This summer all three fields were cut on the same day and my hand to God it looked like something out of a Stephen King movie. Remember Ben..."the rat" movie? I think Michael Jackson sang the theme song. Well, that is exactly what it was like when the hay fields were cut. OMG...mice were EVERYWHERE! I think all the mice lined up at the edge of the yard and their leader (come on, you know there was a leader and I bet his name was Ben) said, "OH..look, there is a pretty log house right over there, let's move in!" And they did. I'm not sure how Tory became the designated mousetrap setter upper AND emptier but she was a trooper. The first night it sounded like a war zone....whap! whap! whap! Of course you always have a "flopper" or two who refuse to die quietly and fling themselves around the room until their last gasp. I am not proud to say this but I put a pillow over my head and was quietly chanting, "Oh PLEASE just die already." On the second night of "the invasion" I sent 8 yr old Matthew upstairs to get his bath. Katy and Sarah were upstairs and said, "Grandma, Matthew wants to take a shower downstairs." Well, OK...whatever. So Matthew comes downstairs and says, "Grandma Katy and Sarah won't let me take a bath." Huh? Sooo....I go upstairs and Sarah is in the bathroom while Katy is guarding the door. "What's up girls? Matthew really wants to take a bath up here." Katy grudgingly opens the door and I see Sarah with a shoebox and a pan lid trying to catch a mouse that has somehow fallen into the jacuzzi tub. Kate looks at me and says, "Oh grandma, if it makes you feel better we will call it a chinchilla." Matthew took a shower downstairs.

Dance Moms

DANCE MOMS.....after seeing this TV show I felt the need to put the title in caps, italics, underline AND bold . If you haven't come across this show on Lifetime then you really really need to check out the guide and crank up the ole DVR. Let me put it this way, if Hitler decided to open a dance school he would hire Miss Abby to be the instructor. I thought children's dance classes were to develop poise and confidence. Nope, according to Miss Abby IT'S ALL ABOUT WINNING and the scary thing is there are parents paying $20,000 plus per year, per child for lessons, costumes, competition fees and an unlimited amount of verbal abuse from Miss Abby. One of Miss Abby's milder comments to a student was, "Your legs are as straight as Elton John." Oh all right, I thought that was pretty funny. The girls spend hours and hours in the studio, often not getting home until 10pm or later. I have no idea when they have dinner, do homework or have any family time. The "dance moms" appear to be fine with this grueling schedule and they spend hours in the observation area gluing rhinestones on costumes and trash talking each others children as in, "Ha ha ha...look, she fell down!" I swear that mom went to my high school. One good thing came out of watching this show...I have a new mantra! As mom Cathy told 6 year old Vivi, "If you forget what you are doing...just shake your butt!" Well there ya go, feel free to use my new mantra as I can't imagine any situation in life that can't be improved with a butt shake. Lawzamercy.

Wowsers...

It seems like I'm always on my way to or returning from Great Falls, MT or Charlotte, NC but that is because my grandchildren live there and I have to make regular visits to both places to straighten out their parents. Sure would love to see their parents faces when they read that first sentence. Bahahaha!

Polly and Tony had to be out of town for business and wanted to know if I could come up and stay with the kids while they were gone. Are you kidding? Heck yes! This is the sales pitch I received, "Mom the next two weeks are really light so you and the kids plan on going to the movies, shopping, out to dinner....just do fun things." Cool, I can do fun things. I know Polly, I also know the schedule Polly keeps and why in the world I fell for that sales pitch I will never know. SO...I arrive in Great Falls and as Polly is hustling me to the car in the airport parking lot she is shouting instructions to me over her shoulder about basketball open gym, basketball camp, company coming for dinner, a load or two (HA!) of laundry and picking Sarah up at horse camp. Oh OK, guess the light schedule starts tomorrow. Foolish foolish Grandma. At the end of two weeks the floor of the laundry room was visible, we had been to the grocery store 6 times, took the dog to the groomer, cleaned out the freezer, completed five days of basketball camp, church on Sunday morning AND Wednesday night, worked the rodeo concession stand for 6 events, took Matthew to the Doctor (I said I was sorry and his foot should be fine in another week), put medicine in Luke's (the dog) eye twice a day, tried (unsuccessfully) to save the sod, folded a mountain of clothes and yes, we also remembered to pick Sarah up at horse camp. We did manage to sneak in two movies and one dinner at Macaroni Grill plus a ton of fun and lots of good memories. Oh yes, remind me to tell you about the chinchilla in the bathtub.

My oldest daughter is a rat fink.

I just returned from visiting Polly and family in Montana and discovered she sent the email below to a few hundred of my closest friends. I refuse to confirm or deny the charges but I will say the side meat really hit the spot.

OK!! I have asked Mother what time does she leave Great Falls at least 4 times in the past week. Not that I want her to leave but because I am trying desperately to keep all my ducks in a row, which any of you that know me,,,,know that can be challenging. Anyway each time I asked her she replies with 4:00. We even commented on the fact how unusual that was, she usually leaves on a morning flight so she can get home earlier so she doesn't have her dear friends at the airport in the wee hours of the morning. WELL, I had to do some work this morning at the office and I thought no big deal I will work for a couple of hours and then go home spend the rest of the afternoon with mom and take her to the airport. I had two kids at home this morning, Sarah who really is sick and napped most of the morning and Matthew who just wanted a free pass since Grandma was here, therefore played "sick", I chose to buy into it. :) I breeze in the door about 11:50 and had this craving for sidemeat, so I get it out of the freezer and set up the frying pan and start dredging sidemeat to fry and mom comes in,,,,,,still in her pj's, hair running amuck and sits down to visit. She says to me, "Hey I have this neat APP on my phone, it automatically pops up with all the flight information for the airports you fly in and out of." She has it on Great Falls airport and sure enough it has all the departing flights listed and what gate they go out of. I replied with, "Wow, that's pretty neat...................what time did you say you fly out?" Janice replies, "4 o'clock", Polly replies, "umm Janice there isn't a 4 o'clock flight.", Janice replies, "O, it might be 4:10 or 4:30, something like that." Polly replies, "Janice there isn't a flight at 4:00 period." Janice then decides to go get her itinerary out of her suitcase, which is not only not packed but looks like it exploded in Sarah's room. Mind you Mom is usually a very neat person at my house, not sure why the suitcase exploded, just thought you would like to know. :) Janice comes back into the kitchen with her itinerary folded and she is looking at it and says, "See right here I leave at 4:07." And then it happens,,,,,, that look,,,,you know the look,,, the one you get when you first realize, " I forgot to pick the kids up at school and I am now 20 minutes late and my little munchkins are sitting on the side of curb sobbing because their mother forgot them,,, look!" I look down at her "folded" itinerary,,,,,,and to Janice's horror she just discovered she leaves out of Denver at 4:07, however once she flipped the "folded itinerary" over she would see that she actually flies out of Great Falls at 1:26. WELL! At this point I am frying a pan of sidemeat, she is still in her pj's, hair running amuck, hasn't brushed her teeth and her suitcase is exploded in Sarah's room and it is 12:26!! OK Great Falls isn't exactly a booming city, we can still make it right!!?? I yell at Grandma to get her pants on, do something with that hair, pack her suitcase and brush those teeth, in the meantime I will finish frying the sidemeat,,,,,,,,,what? We have to eat don't we!! She throws everything together, kisses the kids, grabs a few pieces of sidemeat and out the door we go!! We get to the airport at 12:47, a little frazzled but in time to check her in and get her thru security. We have said our goodbyes and as I am turning to leave I hear her explain to the Security Guard, "I would have been here sooner if my daughter hadn't been late getting me here." GOTTA LOVE HER!

p

If you are going to live in my dumpster...

there are rules. First of all there will be no slithering or slinking as slithering and slinking make me think you are trying to sneak up on me and run up my pants leg. All movement must be made with purpose but not rushed because rushed makes me think you are running towards me and your main goal is to run up my pants leg. If you have a tail I would prefer that it have hair as hair on the tail means you are a possible pet but no hair on the tail means you are a rodent who with no warning will run up my pants leg. Do you see a theme here? Since moving to the South many years ago I made peace with the fact that I would have to become accustomed to sharing "my space" with new animals that we didn't have when I was growing up in in the big city of Kingman, Indiana. The only animals we had were raccoons, possums, skunks and an occasional black snake. Have you ever seen a skink? Bleeeah....they are a lizard but look and move like a snake. Their favorite habitat is under my pool chair or between me and the mailbox. I still don't know what was in the dumpster the other night. All I know for sure is it was about the size of a possum and squeals when it is scared. Hmmm, that might have been me who squealed. I was definitely the one who wet her pants.

I thought Moms Mabley was dead.

Surprise! Not only is Moms alive and well but she is working as a gate agent for Delta. Since I live on the East coast and four of my six grandchildren live on the West coast I spend a fair amount of time in airports. During a layover in Atlanta (doesn't matter where you are going there is always a layover in Atlanta) a little old lady who was dressed in navy blue from head to toe, including a stunning navy blue hat pulled down low over her eyes, marched toward the gate desk. The hat was pulled down so low and tight a series of little springy curls had escaped and were hanging on for dear life. At first glance my fellow passengers and I assumed Moms must be in need of assistance but noooo...she moved behind the desk and picked up the microphone. Well, Moms made a lengthy announcement. My fellow travelers and I looked at each other in confusion and we were fairly certain there was a flight delay and possibly a gate change but that was all we were able to decipher from Moms toothless dialog. Bless her heart, after confusing (and entertaining) a tired group of travelers she gathered up her belongings and moved on to her next assignment. Ah yes, gotta love the glamour and excitement of travel.