Adding Insult to Injury

It appears my oldest daughters ranch in MT has become the ultimate destination for unwed kitties. The Mama's are local girls but both Daddy's must be smooth talking traveling salesmen who hit the road once the deed is done. In less than sixty days two Mama kitties have appeared and presented the family with a total of 11 (ELEVEN!) illigitimate babies. Of course the four children think having all these kittens is better than Christmas but Polly & Tony....ummm, not so much. Tragedy struck this past weekend and both Mama kitties disappeared. We don't know if their traveling salesmen boyfriends are back in town or they woke up one morning and decided motherhood just wasn't their bag OR worse case scenario, they were eaten by something bigger. I prefer to think they are just trampy and are out on the town with their traveling salesmen boyfriends. The older batch of six are mature enough to feed themselves (this is starting to sound like a Lifetime movie) but the younger five still need their Mama. This morning it was obvious the five little ones were in trouble and a trip to the vet was on the agenda. After a few sips of formula, water and electrolytes (plus a check for $113.65) the babies were almost as good as new and ready to head home. Polly also found out that she will be feeding the little darlings formula three times a day with an eyedropper followed by canned (GAG) kitty food mixed with formula. OH...after all five kittens have eaten they each have to have their bottom wiped to help prevent constipation. SO, how was your day?

Yep...it's official.

It's hard to tell from this picture but my head really does look like a Bloomin' Onion. I have thick hair that curls very easily so even though my hair is short every hairdresser I have ever visited feels compelled to give me mall hair. Remember mall hair? Mall hair resembles that yeast bread Lucy and Ethel made on I LOVE LUCY circa 1955. I can see the people in the adjoining chairs eyeballing me as my hair continues to grow as if it had a life of its own. They are probably thinking, "Oh dear God, please don't tell me my hairdresser is doing that to me too." Oh well, it is what it is...I would love to stay and visit but I am off to the shower so I can shrink my head back to normal size.

Whaaat? You got a D in dodgeball???

OK, one of the granddaughters received (and according to her Mom, earned) a D in dodgeball. Of course I will never ever tell you which granddaughter committed this heinous crime (it wasn't the youngest one) in a million years. In aforementioned granddaughters defense she did earn A's in English, Science, Math, History and Spanish. Even though I found this whole D in dodgeball thang pretty darn funny you have to know I have been forbidden to laugh or even snicker (and it wasn't the one who takes riding lessons) when I am in her presence. Want to hear something else funny? Granddaughters mother is a coach. No, her mother is not the one who gave her the D but her mother is the one who would like to pinch granddaughters little head right off her shoulders. I don't want to say granddaughters life is going to be a little tough (it wasn't the oldest one either) over this next quarter but rumor has it there will be mandatory dodgeball practice every evening. OH...I forgot to mention that Coach Mom decided they will be using bowling balls for practice, just as an extra incentive to move our feet on the court.

We should have seen it coming.

Poor Cameron, almost seven years ago the entire family was looking forward to his arrival, well almost everybody. Avery (insert spooky music here) his 2 yr old sister was blissfully happy being an only child and really did not see the need for a baby brother. When Cameron made his appearance Avery did the obligatory kiss the new baby on the cheek photos but you could tell her heart just wasn't in this whole share the spotlight thang. Our suspicions were confirmed a few weeks later when Cameron was laying on the floor next to Eddie while she was folding clothes. Eddie looked up just in time to see Avery heading towards Cameron with an uplifted wooden spoon. Now we don't know for sure she was going to pummel her new baby brother with the spoon. In fact she may have been on her way to the kitchen to stir up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Then there was the time Eddie was emptying the dishwasher and when she turned around to check on Cameron he had a dirty face, like he had been eating an Oreo. However, there wasn't an Oreo in the house and after investigating a little further Eddie found a spoon next to a potted plant, a pile of soil and a suspiciously dirty older sister. Yes, his big sister had fed him dirt from the potted plants. As they became older Cameron learned to hold his own and Avery learned having a brother is not all bad. Now they are actually friends...sometimes. This brings us to Cameron's latest injury. Avery had a pair of very heavy binoculars around her neck and as Cameron stood up, she leaned over and bonked Cameron right square in the forehead resulting in lots of tears (Avery and Cameron) a pool of blood (Cameron) and a trip to the ER. Cameron, we are sorry, we should have seen it coming.

When my time comes...

just take me down to the pier or put me in a leaky canoe pointed towards Cuba. I swear every old crotchety person in NC and SC has crossed my path this past week and some of them I had the pleasure of dealing with twice. I'm pretty sure I'm not a miserable person to be around now and I feel certain that if I start leaning that way Polly and Eddie will smack me. Hard. Probably more than once. This is the height of family reunion planning and site visits so my days have been back to back appointments which is great except I am running out of ways to show excitement when fried chicken is mentioned. I would like to meet the genius who made it mandatory to serve fried chicken at every southern family function. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE fried chicken but during the summer months we host so many family reunions that there isn't a live chicken within 50 miles of Myrtle Beach and honey that's a buttload of chicken. I met with two couples in their 80's this week who were planning their families 100th reunion and they were absolutely delightful. Two sisters married two brothers and they had lived within one mile of each other their entire lives. I seriously doubt if they had more than two nickels to rub together but I have never met four more pleasant or content people. That's who I want to be when I'm their age and yes, they chose fried chicken but for some reason I didn't mind one little bit.

The ever elusive blue footed booby bird.

I am very fortunate to have a group of friends who love to travel as much as I do and every January we go someplace tropical together. Sometimes we go on a cruise or rent a house but this year we decided to try an all inclusive resort in Jamaica. It was 15 degrees when we flew out of Charlotte, NC but when we landed in Montego Bay it was over 80 wonderful degrees. We were all wearing jackets and sweatshirts so by the time we got to baggage claim clothes were coming off and we were beginning to look like we were headed to a nudist convention. Gotta tell ya, it wasn't pretty. This was our first time to stay at Riu's and while we plan to go back I have a sneaking suspicion they have our pictures posted in the lobby with big red X's across our faces. I always thought I just didn't care for alcohol but it turns out I'm just cheap. When alcohol is included in the price I can flat out knock them back with the best of them and I ALMOST kept up with TommyB. I would like to take this time to apologize to all the Montegobayites as I do believe I depleted the entire island of Jamaican Rum Creame. Chris, Doug, TommyB and I were lounging by the pool (sipping cocktails..duh) and enjoying the sun when TommyB sat up and yelled, "LOOK...there is a blue footed booby bird!" Chris and I opened one eye and said, "Yeah right." TommyB is famous for making things up and we weren't falling for this one. He insisted he had seen a blue footed booby bird and we continued to ignore him. Finally Chris and I decided to call his bluff and I sent an email to our friend (and IT specialist) Karl to please google blue footed booby bird and send us a picture of this mythical creature fully expecting to prove TommyB wrong. Well, the picture is above and yes TommyB, you are right.... there really is a blue footed booby bird. Wow, it hardly hurt at all to say TommyB was right but it did taste like a mouth full of vinegar.

Me and plastic surgery...not so much.

About the same time I received my AARP card bookoo years ago I also started receiving invitations to plastic surgery seminars. For the first few years I gave them a glance and pitched them in the trash. However, this past year they have started to hold my interest...especially the ones that include a nice lunch or dinner. My friend Rebecca and I received another invitation this week that included lunch at an especially nice restaurant that we have been wanting to try so we decided what the heck, we are curious AND hungry so let's see what they have to say. Somewhere along lifes pathway Rebecca has developed a turkey neck and not only are my eyes sliding off my face but I have grown bat wings. You know...bat wings? That is what slaps you in the face when you are brushing your teeth. Rebecca and I arrived early and sat in the parking lot to survey the other attendees just to make sure we weren't the oldest saggiest people. Well honey, after about five minutes of people watching we were starting to feel like Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley in their heyday. Boy howdy, there was a whole lotta loose skin heading towards that meeting room. We registered and choose our seats carefully. Close enough to see but far enough away that we could still make fun of people without causing too much of a scene. It didn't take long for the entertainment to start. This sweet lady who appeared to be about 93 sat next to me and we all introduced ourselves. After chatting for awhile she announced that she is 64 which made me want to whip out my mirror as that old crone is only four years older than me! She also told us that she had just paid $4,000 for a non-surgical face lift and Rebecca and I were speechless. I know, hard to believe. My hand to God that woman's face looked like a piece of crumpled paper. Rebecca recovered first and asked her what type of procedure she had done and she told us it involved a peel, moisturizers and heat. Unfortunately I recovered my sense of speech at that time and before my good manners could kick in I said, "Well, how about next time I slather you with Vicks, throw a heating pad on your face and I'll only charge you $2,000." It was right about then that Rebecca's foot connected with my shin. It hurt too. We had a lovely lunch met several very interesting people and I came to the conclusion that until they come up with a way to put a knob on the back of my head that I can turn to tighten everything up I am content with my well earned wrinkles and bat wings.