Me and plastic surgery...not so much.

About the same time I received my AARP card bookoo years ago I also started receiving invitations to plastic surgery seminars. For the first few years I gave them a glance and pitched them in the trash. However, this past year they have started to hold my interest...especially the ones that include a nice lunch or dinner. My friend Rebecca and I received another invitation this week that included lunch at an especially nice restaurant that we have been wanting to try so we decided what the heck, we are curious AND hungry so let's see what they have to say. Somewhere along lifes pathway Rebecca has developed a turkey neck and not only are my eyes sliding off my face but I have grown bat wings. You know...bat wings? That is what slaps you in the face when you are brushing your teeth. Rebecca and I arrived early and sat in the parking lot to survey the other attendees just to make sure we weren't the oldest saggiest people. Well honey, after about five minutes of people watching we were starting to feel like Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley in their heyday. Boy howdy, there was a whole lotta loose skin heading towards that meeting room. We registered and choose our seats carefully. Close enough to see but far enough away that we could still make fun of people without causing too much of a scene. It didn't take long for the entertainment to start. This sweet lady who appeared to be about 93 sat next to me and we all introduced ourselves. After chatting for awhile she announced that she is 64 which made me want to whip out my mirror as that old crone is only four years older than me! She also told us that she had just paid $4,000 for a non-surgical face lift and Rebecca and I were speechless. I know, hard to believe. My hand to God that woman's face looked like a piece of crumpled paper. Rebecca recovered first and asked her what type of procedure she had done and she told us it involved a peel, moisturizers and heat. Unfortunately I recovered my sense of speech at that time and before my good manners could kick in I said, "Well, how about next time I slather you with Vicks, throw a heating pad on your face and I'll only charge you $2,000." It was right about then that Rebecca's foot connected with my shin. It hurt too. We had a lovely lunch met several very interesting people and I came to the conclusion that until they come up with a way to put a knob on the back of my head that I can turn to tighten everything up I am content with my well earned wrinkles and bat wings.

Bacardi Rum Cake, or as Avery calls it...

"Grandma! Why does your cake burn my mouth!" No, I am not in the habit of giving alcohol to children and when I make a rum cake I have a regular cake or cookies on hand for the kids. However, this was Christmas Day when the kitchen was full of people and Avery happened to get the wrong cake...but boy howdy, she sure took a good nap! Oh I'm kidding but it is a good idea. This is the original Bacardi Rum Cake recipe that I have been making since the 70's and I think it's the most moist cake I've ever eaten. It ships well and is even better the second or third day if you are lucky enough to have any left over. Enjoy!

BACARDI RUM CAKE WITH A BUTTER RUM GLAZE
1 Cup Chopped Pecans
1 Box Cake Mix-18 1/2 oz (Yellow or Butter Pecan)
1 Box Instant Pudding-4 oz (Vanilla or Butterscotch)
4 Eggs
1/2 Cup Cold Milk
1/2 Cup Water
1/2 Cup Bacardi Dark Rum

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Spray a 12 cup Bundt pan liberally with Pam. Sprinkle nuts on the bottom of the pan. Combine all cake ingredients and mix on high for two minutes. Pour into prepared pan and bake for one hour.

GLAZE
1/2 Cup Butter
1/4 Cup Water
1 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Bacardi Dark Rum

Melt butter in saucepan. Stir in water and sugar. Boil for five minutes stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in rum. The rum will steam so be careful!
Pierce the hot cake (still in the pan) with a wooden skewer and slowly pour glaze over cake. Allow cake to cool in pan to absorb the glaze. After cake has cooled invert pan onto cake plate and prepare to receive many compliments.

We lost a member of the family.

Oh, we knew the day was coming because no matter how much we wish it wasn't true... ponies do not live forever. Well, our heads know they don't live forever but our hearts counted on a different outcome. Cocoa was twenty-seven when he joined our family twelve years ago and we couldn't have asked for a sweeter or more patient pony. Tory was all of three years old the first time she and Cocoa met and it wasn't long before they were quite the couple. If you have spent any time around ponies you already know 99.9% of them are mean as a snake but Cocoa apparently didn't know he was supposed to be disagreeable. Katy was next in line for Cocoa and while I don't know this for a fact I am willing to bet Cocoa was very pleased when Miss Kate advanced to a horse. We love Kate but she has one speed and it's wide open. Poor ole Cocoa was more of a moseyier than a trotter and Kate wants no part of mosey. Picture Danika Kirkpatrick on horseback and that's our Kate. Then we have Sarah Elizabeth...the jumper. Coco's legs were not exactly long but Sarah was determined to make Coco a jumper and jump he did. OK, it was only the dry stream bed in the pasture but bless Cocoa's heart he gave it his all and made one little girl very proud when he managed to clear that ditch. Sarah is six years older than Matthew so Cocoa had a well deserved break before he was back in the riding business with one determined little boy who still has no idea he isn't just as big as his older sisters. Matthew is six and not quite ready for a horse but it was becoming obvious over the past few months that Cocoa was feeling his age. Instead of working to keep Cocoa's weight down it became a battle to keep his weight from dropping. Cocoa's feet started to bother him and the farrier suggested orthopedic shoes. They helped but you could tell they didn't solve the problem. Polly said as much as those shoes cost they should have been Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals but I think they were just regular old horse shoes with extra support. This fall Cocoa's weight continued to drop and Polly put him in a pen by himself so he wouldn't have to compete for his food but even that didn't help and Cocoa continued to go downhill. On a cold, windy Sunday morning Polly went out to check on Cocoa before they left for church. He ate a small amount of grain from her hand but it was obvious he was in pain and exhausted. Polly went inside to tell Tony it was time and please ask the vet to come out in the morning. After church Polly, Tony and all four kids bundled up to go back out to the barn and say their goodbyes to Cocoa but it was too late. Like all true gentlemen Cocoa knew when it was time to make his exit and he had passed away peacefully shortly after Polly's early morning visit. Polly was so thankful she had taken the time to scratch Cocoa's ears and feed him his favorite treat that one last time. Cocoa is buried at the ranch which is just as it should be because he is family and families should be together.

Me and my mouth.

I really didn't mean to embarrass myself or the poor businessman behind me in the security line in Charlotte. It all started very innocently and I had no intention of discussing anyone's undergarments and certainly not the undergarments of a perfect stranger. In retrospect it was not my fault and I know the chances of TSA taking any of the blame is slim to none but I do feel better letting them know that they need to share some responsibility. I mean really...one person tried one time to hide a match in his shoe so from this day forward EVERY person going through any airport must do so barefooted?? OK, here is what happened. The nice businessman and I were chatting in the security line while waiting our turn talking about how full the flights have been, why do we travel on the busiest weekend of the year...you know, stranger chat. I made it through first and was trying to bend over and tie my tennis shoes without passing out from lack of oxygen when I became aware of a disturbance. Nothing major but the poor businessman's carry on bag had tipped over and his possessions were scattered on the belt and and moving quickly beyond his reach. Did I just finish tying my shoes and let TSA handle the scattered items? OH nooooo...not me! I grabbed a book and a hair bursh before they hit the floor and here is where it becomes a little dicey. He thanked me and started to walk away when I noticed he had forgotten several items at the bottom of his gray bin and this is what I said. "Oh wait Sir...you forgot your unnerwares!" Unnerwares?? I said unnerwares to a perfect stranger?? Don't you just know that little gem was shared at his Thanksgiving table and here is a big thank you to TSA for not making us wear nametags. Lawz a mercy, unnerwares?? Arrg!

My Kindle Marketing Plan

I have come to the conclusion that Amazon needs me...bad. I bought a Kindle2 earlier this year and don't plan to buy a DTB (dead tree book) ever again. Yeah well, we won't go into the list of my previous declarations but I do love my K2. I discovered early on that if I am out in public all I have to do is open my K2 and all of a sudden I am everybody's newest bestest friend which is great unless you really want to read or your doctor is more interested in discussing the Kindle than why your cholesterol won't go down no matter how much flippin' oatmeal you eat or miles you walk. The conversation usually goes like this: "I hate to bother you...BUT is that a Kindle?" "Do you like it?" "Do you miss the feel of a book?" You can tell they are just dying to get their hands on my Kindle and see how it works soooo once again I do Amazon's work for them and sell another Kindle2. Have I received even a thank you note from Amazon? Noooooo! Not even a phone call on my birthday. OK, here is my plan. All I have to do is buy another K2. I will leave it in the original packaging and use mine as a demo which I do already so no biggie. I figure by the time I finish my sales pitch and my newest bestest friend is in a K2 purchase frenzy I can whip out the new K2 and sell it right there on the spot. I was on four flights over the Thanksgiving holiday and seriously...I could have sold at least two K2's. Well, I have to go now as I just know Jeff Bezo's is trying to reach me.

Grey Gardens

Have you seen the HBO movie based on Jackie O's Aunt Edith? If you haven't I certainly recommend you do so at the first opportunity. There is also a 1975 documentary, with the same title, that is supposed to be excellent but I haven't been able to locate a copy that doesn't break my budget. Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore play the mother daughter duo in the HBO version and if you ever need an inspiration to clean house then honey, this is the film for you. WOWSER...my new rule of thumb for a deep clean is "if there are more than five raccoons peeking through the dining room ceiling" then it's time to haul out the Dyson. These two women ended up living with an entire raccoon family as well as more than 80 cats who couldn't find a litter box with the help of an Eagle Scout, a flashlight and a map. I made the mistake of watching this film when I was flat on my back in bed with a temp of 101 and a rattly chest that sounded just like wet wood burning in the fireplace. There were used tissues on my nightstand, bed and yes...on the floor. At least four half filled glasses sat beside me, the Sunday paper scattered on the bed and floor but here is the part that shook me to the core. There were two cats sleeping comfortably at my feet which means I am only 78 cats away from eviction. Seriously, great film but I advise you to clean house BEFORE you watch.

Pneumonia...the sequel.

YES...I am sick again which equals the same level of surprise as reading TMZ and learning that Amy Winehouse is in rehab. When God was handing out respiratory systems I must have gotten in the line labeled PLEASANT PERSONALITY, LIKES SMALL CHILDREN, BIG BUTTS & CRAPPY RESPIRATORY SYSTEM. The Sprite Zero was on empty yesterday afternoon so on the way home from my umpteenth chest x-ray I made an emergency stop at the local grocery store. The good news is I had showered and shampooed so I was at least clean but that was pretty much all I had done. What I am trying to tell you is I wish I looked as good as Amy Winehouse. There were lines at all four registers...total of 24 registers but only 4 with cashiers. However, I made an amazing discovery. All I had to do was cough and the person in front of me offered to let me go ahead of them. What do you want to bet that before my key was in the ignition that entire store was hosed down in Purell. Hate to brag but I do have a pretty amazing cough.