My daughter... the chicken whisperer.

Polly's family live so far out in the sticks that it is a 45 minute drive (ONE WAY) to take the children to school. I know this for a fact because my friend Barb and I stayed with the children for a month one week while their parents were on a business trip and when you are trying to get three kids fed, teeth brushed, school uniforms on, lunches packed and hair braided Barb and I discovered (out of necessity) that with a slight adjustment to the speed limit it is possible to knock several minutes off of that 45. Barb and I refuse to say exactly how many minutes because we might want to be invited back sometime. All of that has absolutely nothing to do with chickens but I wanted to give you an idea how far out in the sticks my daughter lives and now back to the chicken whisperer. When Matthew turned 5 in March all he wanted for his birthday was a baby chicken. Well, you can't have just one baby chicken so of course he received six tiny yellow puff balls....and they all survived. If you had any idea of the abysmal survival rate for ducks, chickens and bunnies at their house you would be as amazed as I am that they all lived long enough to become big dumb, dirty chickens. Well, five of them are big, dumb, dirty chickens but little Suzanne was different from the very beginning. The other chickens won't have anything to do with Suzanne and that is fine with her because she would rather be with Polly. If Polly sits in the swing then Suzanne is in her lap. If Polly goes to the barn Suzanne is right behind her and Suzanne never misses a walk to the mailbox. Polly has no problem with these outdoor bonding sessions and even looks forward to seeing Suzanne waiting for her by the backdoor. However, on Wednesday Suzanne crossed the line. When Polly came downstairs she was greeted by the sight of 11 year old Sarah in her jammies, sitting at the kitchen table and eating a bowl of Wheaties. Regular morning ritual, right? Yeah...right up until Polly noticed that Sarah was sharing her Wheaties with Suzanne who happened to be sitting in Sarah's lap and resting her little chicken chin right smack on the kitchen table. Folks, now THAT is country.

SUCCESS AT LAST!

I stared the dragon straight in the eye and I won...YES I DID! I am soo proud! I packed up the cable boxes, cords, remotes and loaded them in the car. I swear in the background I could hear the theme from Star Wars. I marched straight into the Time Warner office, plunked my cable boxes, cords and remotes right smack on the counter (after waiting in line for 15 minutes it was more of a plop than a plunk)and said, "I want to reduce my service to basic cable." OK, my chin trembled just a little bit when I said it and there might have been one little tear in the corner of my left eye but I didn't back down. The two previous times I had lugged those darn cable boxes back to Time Warner a little twit behind the counter not only talked me out of going back to basic cable but convinced me to upgrade my service. Oh yes, she was gooood. So this time I was a little smarter and went to a different office and marched in there like my name is Mrs. T. Warner, Jr. I was eloquent, I was charming AND I stared the dragon DOWN! Wow...look out Sunny Day Dry Cleaners you are next and I'm on a roll.

Please tell me you do these things too.

Ya'll already know I'm the ole widow lady with two cats so not only am I dealing with that cliche I have a few (HEY...it's my blog and if I choose to say a FEW then it is a FEW) quirks that I hope we have in common.

1. When I run the vacuum and it won't suck up a piece of popcorn, lint, thread or whatever I will pick up the "nonsuckable" object, look at it and then throw it back on the floor to give the vacuum another chance. I have no clue why I don't just throw the "unsuckable" stuff in the trash while I have it in my hand. If the vacuum still won't suck that stuff up I have been known to kick the unsuckable object under the coffee table.

2. M & M's have to be eaten in even numbers. Two, four, six = good. One, three, five = work of the devil. However, it is perfectly acceptable to mix the colors in any way you choose. Hey...I have rules but I am not unreasonable.

3. When I shave my legs the left one is always first, same for armpits. Fortunately I only have to deal with this one May through August as the path to hell is lined with people who shave their legs during the months that contain R's. I have been told that this habit may have something to do with why I don't date but I really don't see the connection.

4. When I play Freecell (of course not at work, I would NEVER do that) my stacks HAVE to be in the correct order. Hearts, spades, diamonds then clubs. If they aren't in the right order then the win DOES NOT count. Sorry, if you have been playing this game incorrectly but that's just the way it has to be if you want to win the right way. Yes, as a matter of fact I am absolutely positive MY way is the RIGHT way. Good Lord, it's not like I made the rule up!

5. OH...I don't think this is weird, I think it's logical BUT my spices are alphabetical, my canned goods are in order and all face the front with the duplicates behind the "lead" can and yes I really do call it the "lead" can.

OK...these are a few of my quirks, what have you got to bring to the table?? Don't you dare TRY to tell me you don't have any as I know better. You wouldn't be interested in anything I have to say if you were normal.

Arrrrg...PEOPLE!

Whenever I stop by our snack bar to fill up my Diet Cherry Coke (necter from the Gods) I always take a couple of minutes to "spiff" up the counters and tables a bit especially during the busy summer months when everybody and their brother seem to decide at the same moment they can't live another minute without a big ole box of chicken nuggets or a jumbo hot dog. So this afternoon I'm wiping up the ketchup spills and getting ready to walk back to my office when this family of heathens appear and in less than 45 seconds absolutely demolish the entire condiment counter and the surrounding area. There was ketchup, mustard, lettuce, onion and relish flying in every direction. I am standing there holding my Diet Cherry Coke with my mouth open in shock when I notice the MOTHER is up to her elbows scooping the lettuce with her BARE hands! I said "Mam, Mam, MAM...we have tongs!" She looked me square in the eye, both hands still in the lettuce and said, "Thanks, but I don't needm'." Well yeah...guess she didn't.

One broken toilet, one broken lamp and two cats hiding under the bed.

OH...that could only mean the grandchildren have been visiting! Here are five things we learned on this visit.

1. If you are jumping on the couch in the toy room and lose your balance the floor lamp will break your fall but the lampshade will be doomed to hang at a 90 degree angle for the rest of its natural life.

2. Ginglebelle does not like to wear a baby bonnet or a baby dress. Ginglebelle does not have claws but she does have teeth...and an attitude.

3. Morty does not like anyone to pull him out of the litterbox by his back leg. This is just a guess but I don't think Morty would like anyone to pull him out of the litterbox by his front leg either. Morty has claws, teeth...and an attitude.

4. Toilets are not happy when we think they haven't flushed and we put all of our weight (even if we only weigh 30 lbs)on the little silver handle. Grandma is not happy when you hand her a little silver handle. Grandma's also have attitudes but their teeth sit in a jar on the nightstand .

5. Grandma's love us no matter what we break, are never ready for us to go home and Dew's Hardware Store has cases and cases of little silver toilet handles and one less lampshade.

G-spots, unicorns and customer service...ALL myths.

If you really thought I am going to write about your g-spot you are sadly mistaken and as Prissy (Gone With The Wind) sorta said, "I don't know nutthin' bout unicorns." So I guess that leaves customer service or as I like to call it...customer noservice. I understand corporations consider voice mail a time saver but I have to wonder if that is really true. After I have been asked to press 1 for English I'm already ticked because I live in an English speaking country so I expect my business to be conducted in English. If I lived in Spain or Mexico I would expect to be doing business in Spanish...but hey, what do I know. Maybe you have to press 1 in Spain and Mexico to do business in Spanish. My point is by the time I have pressed a button for at least 5 voice prompts and STILL have not gotten a human being I ain't happy and I guarantee you the simple question I am calling about has turned into a 10 minute tirade directed at some poor peon who has no authority to do away with the voice mail system. Have you tried to deal with your local cable or phone company lately? Oh Mama Mia...good luck. I tried to reach a real person at the phone company for THREE DAYS and never did get to talk to anybody. I finally gave up and wrote them an email...guess what? Haven't had a response from the email either. Guess they figured out I was no longer a customer when the cable company contacted them with the notice that I was switching to digital phone service.I really shouldn't have included our cable company in the not responding department because they do respond and I do mean respond. I am not home much and it really doesn't make sense for me to have all these premium channels because I am just as happy with a Seinfeld rerun as I am with their movie selections. However, every time I stop by the cable office to turn in my cable boxes they have these smooth talking sales people who not only talk me out of turning in the cable boxes but before I get out the door they have me signed up for some other high priced option that is free for the next six months. The six months free trial is great but then look out because I will have to decide if I want groceries or cable. I plan to take another shot at returning my cable boxes this week...hmmmm, maybe I should pretend I don't speak English OR Spanish.

Five...well, TODAY I'm six.

Eddie and I should have known better. We are not dumb people, maybe a little naive sometimes (OK, a lot naive) but I promise you we aren't dumb. Avery and Cameron had a reservation to Swim With The Stingrays this afternoon and the program is designed for ages six and up. Cameron will be six in a few months but truth be told he is five. In our defense...I know, I know the rules say six BUT Cameron is a very good swimmer, goes off the high board and all kinds of things his Grandma isn't brave enough to do. So, last night Eddie sat down with Cameron and explained that if anyone asked how old he is that he was to say six. She then explained about the rules and why the rules say you should be six years old and what we were doing was not right but we were confident in his swimming ability. Gawd....my whole family is nothing but a bunch of truth stretchers. Soooo...before heading to the aquarium we decided to stop at Build a Bear. Cameron had picked out his stuffed animal and the lady was talking to him while she was helping him stuff his bear. They chatted for a few minutes and then she asked him how old he is and it was right about here when Eddie had a full blown hiney cringe. Cameron said, "Usually I'm five but just for today I am six." "I have to be six today because five is too young to Swim With the Stingrays so JUST FOR TODAY I am six...but really I'm five" WELL...the lady almost fell off of her chair laughing and I think I can safely say our family has finally spawned a complete truth teller.

Would it be wrong...

if I look people right square in the eye and say..HUH?? I'm just askin' because some people seem to leave their common sense at home. Let me give you a for instance. We have a dive show scheduled every hour on the hour and I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked, by very normal looking people who are holding a PRINTED DIVE SHOW SCHEDULE IN THEIR HAND,"What time is the 10 o'clock dive show?" Well let's see....just for fun we moved the 10'clock dive show to 11:15. No reason, just for our own amusement. OH...I like this one too. "Are the sharks teeth real?" Of course not. Each of our sharks are fitted with dentures before they are placed in the tanks. Or here is another favorite. "You can't fool me...those fish aren't real, they are battery operated!" WOW! You are very observant as all of our fish are battery operated which is why Duracell is one of our major sponsors. The common sense people make you chuckle but the lady below makes you want to snatch her bald headed...as my grandma used to say.
One of our managers was walking behind a mother and baby when the mother deliberately dropped a diaper on the floor instead of walking 5 feet further to a trashcan. Our employee picked up the diaper and carried it to the trashcan but muttered under his breath, "I wonder how she would like it if I rang her doorbell, handed her $20 and left a giant dump in her living room." Oh yeah....fall is right around the corner.

Airlines

There has been some pretty weird stuff happenings with the airlines the past few years. I have always played along with their little game of putting my seat back in the upright position although I find it very hard to believe that 1/4 inch has any bearing on a safe landing, takeoff or evacuation. However, I do think the lady sitting next to me with the ginormous handbag and a carry-on bag larger than the bag I checked could be a bit of a problem and what is the deal with charging for checked baggage?? HELLOOO.....it's the carry-on baggage that slows everything down! If you want to charge for baggage, charge for the carry-ons and maybe next time I fly to California I won't have to travel with Mrs. Nasty McRude's leopard print bag lopped over on top of my feet for 6 flippin' hours. I am sure you have read about the current court case that has everybody chuckling but in case you are just returning from a 6 year trip to the Burmese Jungle here is a brief synopsis. Apparently the wife of a televangelist (traveling first class) threw a blue butt monkey fit over a fifty cent size spot on her seat. Not her tushy seat but her chair seat. The flight attendant contacted a member of the cleaning crew but apparently the cleaning crew were not responding as quickly as Mrs. Televangelist was expecting and at some point Mrs. Televangelist body slammed the flight attendant into the lavatory door and then tried to force her way into the cockpit. I don't know why she tried to force her way into the cockpit...heck maybe she read someplace that is where all the cleaning supplies are kept. Of course security was called and Mr. & Mrs. Televangelist were escorted from the plane. OK..that's funny enough but here is where it gets REALLY funny. The flight attendant is suing Mrs. Televangelist for of all things giving her hemorrhoids. OK..televangelists have been accused of a lot of things (adultery and stealing come to mind) but far as I know hemorrhoids is a first. Wish ya'll had been with my friend Anny and I when we were flying to MT to visit my daughter and TSA found a meat grinder in Anny's luggage. Ah yes, another story for another day.

Got any WD 40?

I have a sneaking suspicion that we are going to need some at work this weekend. The contract clearly states maxiumum of 100 but the final count is 175 people. TommyB turned the most amazing shade of purple and our Chef mumbled something that sounded like, "Did I think he could pull chickens out of his..." I couldn't quite make out the last word but I don't think it was very nice.

Some friends are silver and some are sporks.

I am more of a "spork" kinda gal. Silver has to be polished, you can't put silver in the dishwasher and if you don't give silver constant attention it will tarnish. On the other hand a spork is low maintenance, very resilient and is flexible since it is a spoon OR a fork. So based on that information I have decided that I have silver friends and spork friends and while I enjoy all of my friends the sporks are definitely easier and probably more fun. The silver friends keep track of who called who last, who owes who dinner...that kind of thing. Now the sporks are a whole different story. They could care less who called who last and are much more interested in spending time together than where or when we have dinner. Sporks also don't have to be talked to all the time so if you are at the beach or pool you can read and sporks aren't offended. Sporks are content to just, be. So...are you silver or are you a spork?

Crazy Days

I know it's August, I know it's supposed to be hot but Good Gawd almighty does it have to be so hot that I blister my hand when I touch the steering wheel??? I'm still scratching my head trying to decide why I decided to invest my 401k in the meat market when during the hot months all I want to eat are tomato sandwiches, Silver Queen corn and watermelon. I love tomato sandwiches but I am particular about the bread..I know big shock. The bread has to be white, VERY fresh and I use a round cookie cutter to cut the center out of the bread so it just fits the tomato slice. I lay the tomato slices on paper towels so they aren't so drippy and while the tomato is becoming "non-drippy" I put a smear of Mayonnaise on both pieces of bread. It has to be Mayonnaise (Duke's or Hellman's but I like Hellman's the best) not Miracle Whip and if I have to explain the difference then you obviously do not live in the South. After I have lightly salted the tomato slices I put my sandwich together and honey...slice a hunk of watermelon, butter an ear of corn and you got yourself a goood summer supper.