Grey Gardens

Have you seen the HBO movie based on Jackie O's Aunt Edith? If you haven't I certainly recommend you do so at the first opportunity. There is also a 1975 documentary, with the same title, that is supposed to be excellent but I haven't been able to locate a copy that doesn't break my budget. Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore play the mother daughter duo in the HBO version and if you ever need an inspiration to clean house then honey, this is the film for you. WOWSER...my new rule of thumb for a deep clean is "if there are more than five raccoons peeking through the dining room ceiling" then it's time to haul out the Dyson. These two women ended up living with an entire raccoon family as well as more than 80 cats who couldn't find a litter box with the help of an Eagle Scout, a flashlight and a map. I made the mistake of watching this film when I was flat on my back in bed with a temp of 101 and a rattly chest that sounded just like wet wood burning in the fireplace. There were used tissues on my nightstand, bed and yes...on the floor. At least four half filled glasses sat beside me, the Sunday paper scattered on the bed and floor but here is the part that shook me to the core. There were two cats sleeping comfortably at my feet which means I am only 78 cats away from eviction. Seriously, great film but I advise you to clean house BEFORE you watch.

Pneumonia...the sequel.

YES...I am sick again which equals the same level of surprise as reading TMZ and learning that Amy Winehouse is in rehab. When God was handing out respiratory systems I must have gotten in the line labeled PLEASANT PERSONALITY, LIKES SMALL CHILDREN, BIG BUTTS & CRAPPY RESPIRATORY SYSTEM. The Sprite Zero was on empty yesterday afternoon so on the way home from my umpteenth chest x-ray I made an emergency stop at the local grocery store. The good news is I had showered and shampooed so I was at least clean but that was pretty much all I had done. What I am trying to tell you is I wish I looked as good as Amy Winehouse. There were lines at all four registers...total of 24 registers but only 4 with cashiers. However, I made an amazing discovery. All I had to do was cough and the person in front of me offered to let me go ahead of them. What do you want to bet that before my key was in the ignition that entire store was hosed down in Purell. Hate to brag but I do have a pretty amazing cough.

Swiss Steak makes your floor shiney.

Polly is visiting for a few days and I am LOVING having her here! She is going to NC to attend a funeral and since TSA won't let me bring more than 2 oz of my favorite moisturizer I am guessing they would have a real hissy fit if she tried to fly with the traditional homemade funeral food that is required of any Southern mourner. So being the good Mama that I am, I baked a butter pecan (yes with lots of real butter and pecans) and enough swiss steak to feed all of Harnett County. This is my Mama's recipe for swiss steak so you know it is good. I made mashed potatoes (also with LOTS of real butter) because it is a sin to eat swiss steak without mashed potatoes. The cake was cooling on the counter and I was busy wrapping the pan of swiss steak to go in the refrigerator for it's trip to NC. Just as I was carefully placing the pan on the bottom shelf of the fridge the swiss steak shifted, flipped out of my hands and landed on the floor. The glass dish broke to smitherines, gravy ran underneath the refrigerater and I said a whole bunch of very bad words. Two rolls of paper towels and a cut finger later the floor was really really clean and shiney. There was nothing left for me to do but sit down and eat a whole bowl of mashed potatoes with real butter, so I did.

GRANDMA WALKER'S SWISS STEAK

Cube Steak (I use 2 medium pieces per person)
Canned Whole Tomatoes (drained, reserve juice)
Sliced Onion
2 Envelopes Brown Gravy Mix
Oil, Heavy Skillet
9 by 13 pan

Heat approximately 1/2 inch of oil in a heavy skillet and while the oil is getting hot Pam the 9 by 13 pan or whatever baking container you plan to use. When the oil is hot quickly brown the cube steak. Make sure the oil is really hot and all you have to do is a quick flip as this step is strictly for appearance. Don't tell Grandma Walker but I have been known to skip the browning step and it does not affect the taste one bit, just turn down the lights because the swiss steak isn't as pretty. Place the first layer of cube steak in your baking dish and top with a sliced onion and a whole tomato. Continue layering (if you have a large family) but don't forget to leave room for the gravy and meat juices. Mix the two envelopes of brown gravy mix with 1 cup of the reserved tomato juice and pour over the top of the cube steak. Add water if you don't have a full cup of juice. Cover your baking dish and bake at 275 for 6 to 8 hrs. You can throw yours under the refrigerator like I did but I really don't reccomend it.

It must be Spring!

It's cloudy, gray and raining but I have seen the first sign of Spring. I stopped at the local grocery store on my way home from work and there were six boys (OK, they were probably seniors in college but when you hit my age anyone under 40 is a child) filling their cart with beer and potato chips. If that doesn't say Spring is here I will eat my belly button ring. Oh get real, you know I'm kidding about the belly button ring. Heck, if I had one it would be the size of a dinner plate and that brings us back to Grandma's saying, "If it ain't purty, don't put it on the front porch." Do you even wonder who came up with the idea of belly button rings? I think it must have been some old jewelry maker who somehow got stuck with a gazillion unmatched earrings and spent weeks pondering how in the world he was going to unload all that unmatched jewelry. I do not want or need a belly button ring but I would be willing to give up a months paychecks to hear the sales pitch he gave to make that first sale!

One box, one cat and thousands of styrofoam pellets.

Polly makes the best homemade jelly and I put it on everything but prime rib and collards. My friend Debi says her husband Sid has two kinds of jelly. The "everyday" jelly from the grocery store and Polly's raspberry jelly which is only used on weekends or special occasions. Have you figured out we like Polly's homemade jelly? We have been out for quite some time and FINALLY...a new box of jelly arrived on Friday. After making sure each jar was intact I set the box filled with styrofoam pellets on the floor and went out to dinner with friends. We had a great time, lots of laughs happy hour prices were still on which means dirty martini's were only $2.50 so you know we had a very good time. I came back home about 8 PM and thought it was odd that Morty didn't greet me at the front door. The only time Ginglebelle greets me at the door is if my hands are full and she thinks she has a chance of sneaking out between my feet. I called his name and no Morty. Filled his food dish and still no Morty. Just as I got out of the shower something with a tail and four legs came slinking into the bedroom. Well, apparently while I was out Morty found the box of styrofoam pellets and turned it into his personal playground. I also discovered Morty has static cling issues. The only visible fur on poor Morty was the tip of his tail...everything else was pink styrofoam pellets. Never a dull moment and yes, the pellets have been recycled. Sorry Morty.

Poor Deprived Grandchild

It's a well known fact that I am not a shopper. Don't get me wrong...you all know I LOVE the As Seen On TV products and Amazon has been known to call and see if I'm OK if I'm not on their site at least once a day but go to the mall and spend the afternoon shopping? No way, I would rather poke myself in the eye with a fork. Apparently my aversion to mall shopping gene has been passed to my oldest child. Polly needed to pick up a few things for a trip they have coming up so she and 5 yr old Matthew made the dreaded trip to their local mall. They walked in, Matthew looked around and said, "MAMA! Why haven't we been here before??" My family is so cosmopolitan.

Cremation

I love commercials and advertisements. There is a radio commercial about cremation running in my area that makes me chuckle every time it plays. Oh you already know I'm not quite right so you can't be too surprised I think a commercial about cremation is funny. The spokesman has a deep calm voice and after he has spent 45 seconds talking about tradition, funerals, cremation and family he ends the commercial with...choose cremation when the time is right. Well DUH...if the time was wrong wouldn't the person still be alive and I am guessing pretty ticked off.