I think I ate glass.

Sure glad this day only comes once every four years as my throat is sore, I have a headache, I'm whiney, my Diet Cherry Coke is not cold enough (I like it with ice crystals) and I want a nurse/slave. I originally typed I NEED a nurse/slave and that is a lie but if one happened to knock on the door let's just say I wouldn't turn them away.

I know, I know...I have been lax.

Well folks, if you page down you will notice that I am caught up to Monday and I SHOULD be current by Friday!

I have been out of town for a wedding and will catch up this week. So in answer to your email questions....no, I have not been sick, held captive, met a man (yeah, right), in the hospital, on a business trip or have a houseful of company. But best of all, I am not dead and thank you for your concern....I think.

Home again.

Sarah and Avery had so much fun last night. They talked and giggled for hours past Avery's bedtime but I didn't have the heart to insist they go to sleep. Oh yeah, like I have that kind of power. We had breakfast at The Waffle House (yes again) and I think Avery ate them out of bacon AND sausage. After breakfast we headed to Mamaw's to meet up with the rest of the family for one last visit. We just missed Tony and Tory as they had gotten last minute tickets to see Duke play Virginia and I can't wait to talk to Tory and hear about the game. Katy, Polly and Mamaw were still in church clothes and looked like they were trying to get up the energy to go change. Yep...all this running around finally caught up with us. Sarah and Avery went outside to pick more onions and visit Fat Back while Matthew and I read a book. Polly, Mamaw and I visited for awhile and then it was time for Avery and I to hit the road. Neither one of us were ready to leave but it was time to go to Pinehurst to meet Avery's Mom and Dad at Nana and Poppy's house. I feel like I've been in, around or right down Main Street of every little town in NC and most of SC. Cameron at least acted "semi-happy" to see his sister but I'm willing to bet that didn't last long. When we left Charlotte I had a clean, well rested, freshly shampooed, beautifully dressed little girl in the car. However, when I returned her to her parents she was definitely grubby, tired and crabby. Yep...time to go home and now I'm going to bed and am very much looking forward to sleeping in MY bed without somebodies feet planted in my kidneys.

The Wedding

It's OVER! Trying to get 9 people ready for a wedding is a real challenge and enough to make Mother Theresa say a bad word, and I do mean a real BAD word. All four Montana kids were in the wedding so while I pressed three floor length dresses on a countertop (don't ask) Polly curled hair and did makeup. Tory hadn't eaten anything other than crackers and part of a sliced apple but her fever was gone and after her shower she decided she would at least try to make it through the pictures. The poor thing was so pale that I swear if she stood in the sun, you could see right through her. Polly told Tory if she couldn't do the ceremony that was fine and she would bring her back to Mamaws after the pictures. Matthew was the ring bearer and all during rehearsal he made it very clear that he was NOT happy to be a ring bearer. First he very nicely suggested they find another little boy and then he said he didn't know why Jason (the groom) didn't just put that ring in his own pocket. Tony "won" the opportunity to get Matthew into his tux and of course that chore was put off until the last possible moment. Trying to keep a 4 year old boy clean is not an easy task and we weren't taking any chances. Tony was buttoning Matthew's collar and putting on his tie when in a very resigned voice Matthew said, "Oh man...this thing is going to choke me to death." Typical man. Tory made it through pictures just fine and decided she could do the ceremony too. The tough part of the ceremony for her was the standing for 30 minutes and a couple of times we thought she was going down but she made it just fine. There were 36 people in the wedding party and of course Tory, Katy and Sarah did beautifully but the shocker was Matthew not only walked down the aisle but he also waved and spoke to everyone he knew on his way down to the alter. Avery and I were sitting on the aisle and as he got closer I was thinking ohhhhh, this was not a good idea as I could just see Matthew stopping and sitting with us instead of going on down to the alter. I needn't have worried as he not only waved as he went by but he also stage whispered, "Hi Grandma...I'm doing it!" And he did! Whoever tied the rings to the pillow did an excellent job and the Best Man could not get them untied. Matthew proceeded to tell him that he needed a knife to cut them off but he didn't have a pocket knife anymore because he cut both "fumbs" and his Mother took it away. Apparently the minister hadn't cut his "fumbs" and his mother let him keep his knife because that is what they used to cut the rings off of the pillow. The reception was held at the country club and was lovely. Polly and I helped serve cake and after the bride and groom departed under a blaze of sparklers we came back to Mamaw's and collapsed. Sarah came back to the motel with Avery and I and they are watching Hannah Montana while I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Oh my goodness, we had so much fun and am I ever glad this day is over.

On The Road!

Avery and I made it to Benson in record time in spite of eating our way from Charlotte to Lillington. There was also one very interesting bathroom stop that required copious amounts of Purell and possibly a lobotomy to erase the trauma. We decided to stop at Mamaw's house and visit with everyone before checking into our motel especially since our motel is the only one in town and we were in no big rush. Katy, Sarah and Matthew were very excited to see us and Tory managed to raise her head off the pillow to give us a little wave but looked like she was near death. Polly said Tory had been sleeping all day and saying she didn't feel well but Pol is 99.9% convinced that Tory has a major case of pre-wedding I don't want to wear that dress and walk down the aisle in front of all those people virus. Polly, Mamaw and I visited all afternoon while the kids (except Sarah Bernheart) played outside with Fat Back. In case you hadn't figured this out yet Fat Back is a baby pot bellied pig. About 5 PM Avery and I went to check into our motel and let's just say we were underwhelmed. The first thing we noticed was half of the motel sign was missing and the remaining part of the sign had bullet holes. There is a Mexican Restaurant connected to the motel so the lobby had a very pungent aroma and we were anxious to get out of there. In hindsight we would have been better off in the lobby as our room was a potpouri of Mexican food and feet. We walked in the room, Avery looked around and said, "Grandma, I liked it better at Mamaw's." Me too Avery, me too. Rehearsal went very well UNTIL Tory bolted from the alter toward the bathroom and in her defense, she came thiiiis close to getting to the bathroom in time. Thank you Aunt Lisa and Dad for cleaning the carpet and Polly....you didn't really like those shoes anyway.

PS: Tory said, "I TOLD you I was sick." OK...we are convinced.

Charlotte...you can't get there from here.

And that is no lie! Until we moved to the Carolina's I assumed all cities (especially major tourist destinations) were connected by interstates. Well...ha ha, maybe they are in other states but they sure aren't around here. You would not believe how many turns, small towns, jogs in the road, cotton fields, boiled peanut stands and tobacco barns I have to pass before I get to Charlotte. At first Cameron was all, "HEY...no fair!" because Avery was going away without him but when it was pointed out that she was going to a wedding he decided he was very happy staying behind and having Mom and Dad all to himself.

Packing

Oh man, Morty saw the suitcase come out of the closet and he was not happy. I put the suitcase on the chaise in my bedroom and Morty immediately climbed in the suitcase. I took him out, put in my shoes, turned around to get my camera and Morty got back in....I think this is going to be a long process.

Another day in paradise.

Some things drive me bonkers (I know, shocking isn't it?) and one of those things is people who flag every single email they send as HIGH IMPORTANCE. Every morning when I open my email at work I brace myself for that little red ! that I just know is going to be there from this needy woman who apparently thinks every thought that happens to roll through her little mind is of HIGH IMPORTANCE and absolutely must be shared with me at that very moment. So far the most urgent HIGH IMPORTANCE email she has sent me was her vegetable choice for a banquet she is hosting in AUGUST 2009!!! And you wonder why I drink.

So much for going home early.

It was a grand idea and looked really promising until a meeting planner stopped by (without an appointment!) and actually expected me to WORK. What's up with that? Obviously she had never met me and didn't know the rules. Soooo....I sucked it up, put on my professional facade and was not only charming but knowledgable. I think I might have sprained something as that is a lot to ask on a Monday. I finally made it out the door shortly after 5 and by the time I stopped at the grocery store and the local Chop Shop for a hair cut it was after 6 when I finally got home. I LOVE the Chop Shop! Their cuts are cheap because all of their beauticians have been out of school approximately 20 minutes and they may not be consistent but it's always an adventure. Uhhh....anybody have a hat I can borrow?

Oysters...baby, fresh steamed oysters!

Nothing like fresh steamed oysters! I love the taste of raw oysters but just can't get past the texture...or is that lack of texture? A friend of mine told me to think of raw oysters as pudding. Pudding? YUK! Are you nuts? Made me wonder what twisted, sicko, commie recipe his Mother used for pudding. Then I was told not to chew, just let them slide. Double YUK...I think I ate the same oyster three times. So I plan to stay with the steamed or fried ones since they actually have texture and you only eat them once.

Wanna shot?

Twelve of us had dinner out tonight and had the misfortune of being assigned the waitress from hell. This woman did not want to be at work, does not like waitressing, DEFINITELY did not like us and made no effort to conceal her dislike for any of the afore mentioned. I don't get it...we are delightful! Four of us (well, not me as I am ALWAYS politically correct) ordered veal and 15 minutes after the order was placed she slammed the menus back on the table and loudly announced, "There ain't no more veal, order sumpin' else." She then marched off to presumably continue torturing puppies, kittens and small children and didn't return for at least another 15 minutes for the new choices. For those of you who are math challanged we are now up to 30 minutes without our order going to the kitchen. Several of us had not eaten all day and were ready to knaw on the tablecloth or possibly each other. We would have had more of their homemade cheese, crackers or bread but after three requests we finally figured out that refills were not coming. We had bread but no butter and cheese but no crackers, lovely. When dinner finally arrived it was wonderful, of course by that time they could have put steak sauce on an old sweat sock and we would have been thrilled. After dinner we came back to my place and discovered we cannot drink and discuss politics. Sid (or as his friends like to call him,"Wanna Shot") is recovering nicely from his stroke but I am still in shock over Chris's choice. GOOD GOD WOMAN...have you lost your ever lovin' mind???

Myrtle Beach Marathon

God really had a great plan when he designed us to forget painful memories like childbirth and marathons. Did I run in the marathon? Are you new? Heck no, but we are the ending point for the Family Fun Run which had about 2,000 runners/walkers this year. A good portion of those folks also have a stroller...did you know a stroller being pushed by a 200 lb man is capable of knocking three 5th graders down in one sweep? Yep, sure can and the 5th graders popped back up like nothing happened but if that had been me I would have been in traction. The father pushing the stroller was throughly chastised by his wife and I also heard she took control of the stroller along with his dangly parts. As the runners finish the Family Fun Run they all come back to eat and this year Chick Filet donated the food AND the labor! OH MY GOSH....everybody in our food and beverage department thought we had died and gone to heaven so thank you, thank you, thank you Chick Filet!

Valentines Day

Anybody besides me think Valentines Day is a Hallmark holiday? Don't get me wrong as I LOVE receiving candy, flowers and gifts but not because the calendar says TODAY is the day to do those things and you are exactly right...I didn't receive any flowers or candy this year but at least I'm not bitter! OK...stand back folks and give me room to get off this soapbox and YES, I have noticed that Maxine and I become more alike everyday.

Telemarketers

Arrrg! Yes, I know they are just trying to make a living like the rest of us but wouldn't they be happier doing something, ANYTHING else?? Sweeping up parts at the chicken processing plant, following the elephants at the circus parades...either one of those jobs would be more appealing to me than telemarketing. I was probably the first one to sign up for the do not call list and the calls have slowed way down but unfortunately some calls are computer dialed and the new law does not apply to politicians. Oh come on, try to look a little surprised. Before the SC primaries I thought my phone would ring off the hook and then if you don't answer they will leave a prerecorded message. I don't know about you but I find it a little disturbing to be standing in MY bedroom in my underwear and socks listening to Hillary Clinton explain how she plans to save the world. If you received ONE call from the Democrats and ONE call from the Republicans that would be bearable...but nooooooo, I think they have a minion of people staying up 24 hours a day dialing my number. The first few weeks I was polite and said, "I'm not interested" before I slammed the phone down but then I decided it would be more fun to mess with them a bit first. You know those folks are bored to tears so I bet they LOVED talking to me. I started telling them I only vote when voices tell me to vote but if they would please give me their home phone number I would be more than happy to call them day or night as soon as I got the word. CLICK

Dr. Scholl lied to me!

For years I have used that little pumice stone Dr. Scholl sells at the drug store and thought that was easiest way to remove rough skin on my feet. Well....pahuuuuh! My laziness has finally paid off as I have found something that works MUCH better! You all know I spent November and part of December painting, patching, sanding and papering the rental condo. For some reason the two sanding blocks (they almost look like a dish sponge) ended up in the bedroom next to my recliner. I know, I know...I can't explain it either. Anyway...I was enjoying my recliner and thinking how desperately I am in need of a pedicure and manicure. When I reached for my Diet Cherry Coke I noticed the sanding block beside my chair. Hmmm, soooo I picked up the medium grade block, made a few swipes and honey...my foot was pristine! Then I got fancy and after a good once over with the medium grade sandpaper I finished my feet off with the fine grade and my feet almost sparkle! One word of caution...if you use too much pressure, I promise it will only happen once. Holy moly, I think I saw bone.

Tough Day

I managed to make it to my desk at the crack of 10 this morning. Now before you get all snippy and start whining about what is wrong with this woman please remember I also worked Friday evening and Sunday afternon. OK, I should have worked Saturday evening too but TommyB enjoys working so much I thought I would be generous and let him have all the fun that night. What can I say? I'm a giver. Lunch was at Noon so I managed to squeeze in two whole hours of actual work before we went to Amici's for lasagna. Came back to the office, straightened my desk, returned two phone calls, met with a family reunion committee, read my email, forwarded three jokes, went to the bathroom and was home in time for Oprah.

What's wrong with a little dirt?

After the last few days I really think I need to learn to live with filth. OK..the new table base came which means I had to move the old table along with the killer glass top, the buffet, the recliner, the chaise, the high boy, the bookcases, a BIG framed picture AND the couch. Even as I sit here I am wondering if my bed wouldn't look better on the other wall. As I said before I have used the whisk broom, the Dyson, every cleaning product known to man and I am just about over this whole cleaning spree. I got up early..well, for me anyway. Early on a Sunday can be anywhere from 8 AM to 11 AM and I actually was up and working by 8 but I had to stop and go to the work that actually gives me a paycheck. When I was finished there I came back home and I am STILL not even close to being finished and that is why I think I need to learn to live with filth.

It seemed like a good idea.

The party last night was a big success however, I do believe they drank Myrtle Beach dry. Not obnoxious drinkers but BIG drinkers. TommyB went home early so I plan to work Sunday and that way we will each have a whole day off. Wow, imagine that...A WHOLE DAY! We had a small group for this evening and I really really did plan to be there but I was making progress getting everything put back together and handed tonight off to TommyB as a solo act. However, I had forgotten that a bride had called about coming in to see our space this weekend. Now...in my defense, when I asked her what day she didn't know so I didn't put it on the calendar. Wouldn't you know she came in today instead of tomorrow. TommyB had to be thrilled but I haven't heard from him...heck, I may never hear from him! He LOVES brides and especially mothers of the bride. What do you want to bet our regular Sunday evening oysters will be on me tomorrow night?

It's Official

My eyebrows have all but disappeared. Why is that I wonder? When I was young (and had eyebrows) I always wondered why old ladies like to draw/pencil on their eyebrows...well duh! WE DON'T HAVE ANY EYEBROWS UNLESS WE DRAW THEM ON! If only I could transfer a few chin or toe hairs up there I would be in business. There is a real art (pardon the pun) to drawing eyebrows. Somedays I look surprised, somedays angry and worst of all is when I get carried away and end up with an almost unibrow. On the unibrow days all you need to do is put me in a pair of black rim glasses, hand me a cigar and I could be Groucho Marx in drag.

Wanted: ONE MAN

OH....don't get the wrong idea, but I am tired of moving all this furniture by myself. It's not that I can't but it's just much easier if you have someone else on the other end of that bookcase. If I had to, I really think I could move a baby grand piano all by myself. I have discovered that if you lay on your back (again, don't get the wrong idea), brace your hands behind you on the wall and shove with your feet...honey, you can move anything! Two years ago I bought the prettiest piece of furniture I have ever owned. It was featured at the Badcock Furniture show at the convention center and I managed to buy it at a fraction of the actual cost when the show ended. Of course I had to arrange pickup and delivery...no problem, I called TommyB. TommyB looked at it, said a bad word and called Sid. Well, Debi and I knew they wouldn't do it right so of course we supervised. I thought I knew right where it should go and that is where they put it but I quickly realized it needed to go on the opposite wall. I don't want to say this sucker is heavy but....when I turned around to ask my FRIENDS if they thought it would look better on the other wall, they HAD LEFT, GONE, ABANDONED ME. No problem, I used the old hands against the wall and shoved with my feet and did it all by myself...so there. I also rehung the mirror but that's another story and unfortunately the mirror actually looked like I had hung it with my feet.

Nesting

You would think I'm pregnant the way I'm flying around here cleaning up, cleaning out, rearranging, donating and discarding. Are you sitting down...I even used the whisk broom to get the crud that falls between the baseboard and the carpet edge that the vacuum never seems to reach. What's next...clean the lint out of Morty's bellybutton?? Uhhh....no.

I really need supervision.

There is not one room in this place that does not have a stack of SOMETHING that needs attention and some rooms have more than one stack. My bedroom has clothes that need to be moved to another closet AND tax "stuff". The living room has the new table base and top, the guest room has stacks and stacks of "stuff" that needs to be boxed before going to Polly and Eddie. The den has the old dining room table with the "killer" glass top, the kitchen counter has Aunt June's mail and tax "stuff". I guess the bathrooms don't have stacks but the day isn't over yet either. When I got home from work I walked in the door and spun around like a top trying to figure out where to start and it's not like I didn't have a variety of projects to choose from! OK..my friends, I'm going to go get the legs on that new table and get rid of at least one box tonight!

Meatballs and mashed potatoes.

Rosemary made dinner for TommyB, Sid and I this evening. OH MY GOSH...when you are used to popcorn, toast or Cheerios for dinner just the thought of an actual homemade meal makes you positively giddy. I started getting ready for my 6PM dinner invitation at about 4PM. Oh I wasn't bringing anything and YES, I offered. I'm not a complete social imbecile. As usual everything was wonderful and I waddled all the way home.

Hi! My name is Jan and I am a scoocher.

The things you do when you live by yourself. OK, I've already shared the story of my BARGAIN dining room table that is costing me a small fortune. Well, you will love this part. The new table has been shipped and I do have a taker for the old table but I really needed to get the old table moved so I can clean the carpet and put the NEW RUG down that I didn't really want because I liked the old rug just fine but the old rug is the wrong shape for the new table. Pant..Pant..Pant, got that? Sooooo...I carefully shoved the old table down by the couch (to give me a straight shot at the hall and den) and cleaned the glass. I don't know why I cleaned the glass, guess it's a female thing, because you know by the time I get the glass off and moved it won't be clean. Doesn't matter...I am cleaning the glass first. Harrumph. OK, the glass is now clean and I carefully begin scooching (what do you mean that's not a real word??) the glass toward the edge of the table so I can carefully slide it down to the floor and then scooch it to the den. Here we go. Scooch, slide, scooch, slide, scooch, slide...oh crap, OH crap...OH CRAP! Well, the glass was much heaver than I anticipated and the next thing I know I am on the couch UNDER the 36 in by 60 in, 3/4 in thick piece of glass. I am no genius but I KNOW this is not good. I spent a full minute pondering my predicament and eyeing the phone ACROSS THE ROOM. Once a schoocher always a schoocher...sooooo, I carefully scooched down the couch and crawled out from under my glass prison. I then placed an old comforter under the bottom edge of the glass top and successfully schooched it down the hall to the den. I did it! Whooooo hoooooo!

Polar Plunge

Today was the day! Did I do it...oh heck no but I did volunteer to help with registration, sort of. I drug my sorry self out of bed and made it down to the beach with the other 1,500 people AND finally found a place to park. After locating the registration table it was quickly determined that Kim had more help than she could possibly use and being the thoughtful person that I am, I volunteered to go get something to eat. So Chris, Megan and I found the Krispy Kream's and Pizza...yum, the breakfast of champions. Hey...it was OK, we had Diet Pepsi instead of regular Pepsi. After that nutritious respite I came home, changed my clothes and, what else, went to work! Whooo hooooo!

Movies

I haven't been to the movies in ages and there are several out or coming out soon that I would like to see. 27 Dresses looked good and Fools Gold with Kate Hudson and Matthew (does the man own a shirt?) McConnehay. Yes, I know his last name is spelled incorrectly and if it really bothers you let me know and I will look up the correct spelling. And you believe that, right? The Bucket List looked good and I really wanted to see Charlie Wilson's War but I think it has left our theatres so I will have to wait for that one on DVD. Juno sounds good too. It's a good thing we have movie days at work or I would never have the opportunity to see that many movies in one month. What?? You don't have movie days where you work? Hmmm, maybe you better come to work with us. We have The Breakfast Club who meets for biscuits and coffee every morning plus Movie Days and our motto is, "IF IT AIN'T FUN...WE AIN'T DOIN' IT!" I LOVE my job!